Kathy Griffin Quotes

Gwyneth Paltrow names her kid Apple. I'm not going to let that stand.

If there is a gay army, I am their warrior princess.

I constantly say things that I regret. I mortify myself constantly.

When I'm going to see a comedian, I don't want to see them hold back, and when I'm reading a book, I don't want to hear an abridged version.

Well, the coffeehouse audiences never know what they're going to get, and all the comics are different, as opposed to when you go to a club, and they're pretty much all telling jokes with set-ups and punchlines. Coffeehouse audiences are the most forgiving: They really listen, which is the best part.

It is a challenge, with the global fame, to try to act like I put my pants on one leg at a time, when in fact I have Pippa Middleton help me put my pants on every morning. She's my lady-in-waiting as well.

I'm a female in comedy, so of course I want there to be more women on 'SNL', and women of color.

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy, and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.

Most people unfamiliar with the men in a new town might search for love until they find it. I picked out some guy on my second day in LA, who worked at the local bicycle shop, and handed my virginity to him. “You can fill a tire? Sounds good to me. Let's call it a date.” Needless to say he wasn't Mr. Right.

I can criticize your religion all I want, and you can criticize mine. I don't like this whole climate of, 'You can't ever say anything bad about the group I'm in, cause every group is untouchable.' We can all criticize each other and engage in debate all we want.

I believe fully in making fun of children. I believe very strongly that you should never make fun of an embryo or your ovaries. I am a big believer on breaking those rules. It's a case-by-case basis. But the thing is, there's so many ways to make a joke about something that is sort of maybe verboten or something.

Remember, folks, I am a comedian, not a journalist.

That's life when you're on the D-list.

I was raised right — I talk about people behind their backs. It's called manners.

I was a soccer cheerleader. It doesn't get nerdier than that. I was fired from the soccer cheerleading squad after one year, which I believe to this day is unprecedented. You have to understand, no one went to the soccer games. In fact, I believe part of my duties as a cheerleader was to bake brownies for the team.

My friend Anderson Cooper is the scion of one of America's great shipping and railroad families, the Vanderbilts.

Well, I think that when I perform on the road I always thank the audience for buying a ticket because it's a big deal to buy a ticket for a live entertainment, get a baby-sitter and pay for the meal, the parking, whatever.

I prefer being known for my stand-up because I write it. I love being an actor, and saying other people's words is great. But then, when I do stand-up, I love getting my own point of view out there.

I grew up in Chicago and was a huge fan of 'The Second City', so when I moved to L.A., I was looking for anything that resembled that... then I started 'The Groundlings', so I went to a show and it was very much like 'Second City'. I was so impressed that that same night I went backstage and I went up to the funniest person there.

So yes, I say things I regret constantly, and I just can't help it.

But if something funny happens, I can't resist. I have to tell the people.

I am what you call a non-believer. I don't even want to say I'm an atheist because frankly I don't want to join their club either. But the point is, I am a fallen catholic, I'm not religious, and that's all well and good.

I have a no-apology policy.

Pretty much everywhere I go, I'm pretty much thinking I'm going to be bounced. I am still the outsider who snuck into the party. I identify with the regular person, because that is who I am.

I'm not an artist. I tell inappropriate stories and jokes and I try to make people laugh.

I'm on every worst-dressed list imaginable.

I have to tell you, though, the sexism in late night talk is so profound.

I love Mariah Carey. Remember the breakdown? I loved the breakdown.

When I see you, I smile. When I touch you, I feel you. When I kiss you, I love you!

I don't like doing movies, period. Movies are hard. I like TV.

I'm basically always on tour.

I did feel very sexy and desirable. Those prisoners looked at me like no man ever did. I don't care how many people they killed.

Life is adventure. Travel is adventure at a different address.