Bob Saget Quotes

The Comedy Store - all three rooms were filled with 800 people in the room. And during that time, all these guys and some women, but mostly guys who weren't funny were doing stand up for a living; they weren't accountants, they were making $30-$50 grand a year on the road, or more.

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

Around comics, I've always been known for, oh, that's not dirty, this is dirty.

Some dead people said smart stuff.

I have no plan except to take care of the people I love.

My favorite procrastination is to make the choice to have valuable times with human beings that I care about instead of holing myself up alone to get my work done.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

In the creative sense, I'm looking forward to collaborating with people I have mutual respect for to create some really good work.

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

Everyone I love I pay.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!! Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

My dad's like, If your mom and I are having sex and we videotape it and she falls out of bed funny, can I win ten-thousand dollars?

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

What I have now are good problems of trying to decide and what I really want to do is good work next. My phone's ringing a lot more and I've got nine lines so when it doesn't ring, it's very frustrating.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

The favorite method of vice is to diss all responsibility be work or social, go off by myself, and enjoy a good steak and a great glass of wine. Oh yeah, and my kids are there too.

It was a JOB; the video show was a JOB; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

All I've ever done is try to entertain my way through a life that often has a huge amount of heaviness in it.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

You can talk about things indirectly, but if you want to talk how people really talk, you have to talk R-rated. I mean I've got three incredibly intelligent daughters, but when you get mad, you get mad and you talk like people talk. When a normal 17-year-old girl storms out of the house or 15-year-old boy is mad at his mom or dad, they're not talking the way people talk on TV. Unless it's cable.

I don't censor myself, but I don't want to force my sick-skewed version of the world, either.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

Words matter. Especially if you're kicking someone's ass in words with friends.