I am stressed because once I am flattened out so thin to be able to slide under a doorway, I may never be able to ever be unflattened so I could be regular sized again.
Bob SagetThere was this whole middle time that only Chris Rock came out of, you know, 10 years ago it was Chris and a few other people, but that's about it. Chris is in a class of his own; I don't see another comedian who I put in high regard as him.
Bob SagetAristotle said, Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. Isn't that a three-way?
Bob SagetFound a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.
Bob SagetThe nature of comedy is 'just do it.' But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.
Bob SagetSundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.
Bob SagetI think comedy is on an organic upsurge right now because when I started, it was 1978 at The Comedy Store and Letterman had just stopped emceeing his morning show.
Bob SagetIf you go with Marshall McLuhan's theory that the medium is the message, as soon as you're hosting a blooper show, you're done.
Bob SagetIt's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.
Bob SagetI have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them
Bob SagetWhen someone you love is hurting, if it was possible, you'd want to take their pain for them. But do I really want cramps and sore boobs?
Bob SagetI love telling stories and acting and entertaining people. I don't want to make fun of people.
Bob Saget25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.
Bob SagetYet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.
Bob SagetI was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.
Bob SagetPaul Riser tells it in an interesting way; he dissects it and tells the structure, you know, 'you don't mention that part here.' But that's what's interesting about it and the people who are absent are interesting too.
Bob SagetIt's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.
Bob SagetWhat I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.
Bob SagetNow people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.
Bob SagetI just did a play in New York which has been my best experience that Ive had for maybe ever. It was Paul Weitzs play called Privilege and I was in New York for three months.
Bob SagetA lot of the comedians don't even tell the joke. Like only three tell the joke, the rest of them dissect it.
Bob SagetThe selfish and usually pointless approach is to try to get both done simultaneously - accomplish your work at hand while begging forgiveness of those close to you while you're basically working in front of them during what could've been specifically 'quality time.'
Bob SagetBob Saget was known, in the comedy clubs in those days, as extremely funny but with dark humor. It was always an inside joke among comics, when he got Full House, it was, like, wow, hes playing this all-American dad kind of thing. That was not Bob Saget. His comedic style is definitely more twisted, and he has an edgier side than he showed in Full House.
Bob SagetA good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.
Bob SagetI have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.
Bob SagetIf you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.
Bob SagetStop It, stop lighting your butthol on fire, and everybody listen to me. If you light your ass on fire, I hope you have boxers or a filter of somekind, because if your a bareass person. Not a lot of people have done this. Stop It. This is why. You can cauterize your asshole shut, so when you fart it has nowhere to go and you can have a fart attack.
Bob SagetFriend of mine just told me he used to be a bad alcoholic. I calmed him down. Told him he was a good alcoholic just a horrible drinker.
Bob SagetThe other day my twelve-year-old says to me, I don't feel like I'm with you right now. You're in the car with me, you're checking your e-mail, you're not listening to me, I don't feel like I'm with you. And I say, You know what? That was your mother's gripe, too. And she was right. And you're also correct. When you cop to something, you get to the next level. In this case, the next level is: I just learned something from my twelve-year-old.
Bob SagetI just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.
Bob SagetMy haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.
Bob SagetToday is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.
Bob SagetI have a feeling I'm going to wake up one day and say 'I can't do dirty stuff anymore, I want to go all clean.' I'll do clean stuff too, I like to entertain people. Then they egged me on; we shot it at The Laugh Factory.
Bob Saget