Fran Lebowitz Quotes

I hate writing. I will do anything to avoid it. The only way I could write less was if I was dead.

In New York, people are very overbooked.You say, When do you want to have dinner? It's May. They say, What about October? And then they complain: Oh you can't believe how booked up I am.

Japanese food is very pretty and undoubtedly a suitable cuisine in Japan, which is largely populated by people of below average size. Hostesses hell-bent on serving such food to occidentals would be well advised to supplement it with something more substantial and to keep in mind that almost everybody likes french fries.

There is nothing more mine than my writing, nothing I'm more proprietary about.

People always say "pop culture." As if we have some high culture to distinguish it from.

Breakfast cereals that come in the same colors as polyester leisure suits make oversleeping a virtue.

for someone such as myself, who is kind of feckless and immature, it's better to have rich friends than to be rich yourself, because then you have wealth without the responsibility. You get to go to their houses, and you get acquainted with a level of furniture that you cannot provide for yourself. Furniture, I think is the most important attribute of rich people.

All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.

There were a zillion bad jobs. That doesn't exist any more. I mean, I could wake up one afternoon with zero money and know that by the end of the day, I would have money.

Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.

Nothing succeeds like address.

If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something.

People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to suggest that each is unique - no two alike. This is quite patently not the case. People, even at the current rate of inflation - in fact, people especially at the current rate of inflation - are quite simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariably and lamentable tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush.

To me, O'Hara is the real Fitzgerald.

In fact, we live in a culture where intelligence, exceptional or not, is reviled.

Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a Lesbian.

I'm a horrible girlfriend. I always was. I'm great at the beginning, because I can be very romantic.

Once you go outside your natural audience, there are tons of people that don't like you.

The Word Lady: Most Often Used to Describe Someone You Wouldn't Want to Talk to for Even Five Minutes.

Democracy is an interesting, even laudable, notion and there is no question but that when compared to Communism, which is too dull, or Fascism, which is too exciting, it emerges as the most palatable form of government.

I wouldn't say that I dislike the young. I'm simply not a fan of naïveté.

Even when America is not working that well, it still works better than other places.

New Yorkers, we've seen Donald Trump for, like, 30 years; we know who he is. So he wasn't a surprise to me.

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

What's the point of being young if you're not going to make new things, I wonder?

I'm not a Communist. I'm an American. I'm a capitalist. I mean, I'm not a very good capitalist, myself. I'm not very good at it, but it's not that I'm not for capitalism. But people who believe in things like corporate citizenship, it's idiotic. I mean, it shows you're an idiot.

While clothes with pictures and/or writing on them are not entirely an invention of the modern age, they are an unpleasant indication of the general state of things. ... I mean, be realistic. If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

You don't have to lay an egg to know if it tastes good.

There are too many books. The books are terrible. And this is because you have been taught to have self-esteem.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

My favorite animal is steak.

Notoriously insensitive to subtle shifts in mood, children will persist in discussing the color of a recently sighted cement-mixer long after one's own interest in the topic has waned.

White grapes are very attractive but when it comes to dessert people generally like cake with icing.

There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter

What I can't be is monogamous. That tends to upset people. I just don't like domestic life.

Generally speaking, the poorer person summers where he winters.

One of the biggest changes in my lifetime, is the phenomenon of men wearing shorts. Men never wore shorts when I was young. This is one of the worst changes, by far. It's disgusting. To have to sit next to grown men on the subway in the summer, and they're wearing shorts? They look ridiculous, like children, and I can't take them seriously. My fashion advice, particularly to men wearing shorts: Ask yourself, 'Could I make a living modeling these shorts?' If the answer is no, then change your clothes. Put on a pair of pants.

I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.

No one I knew talked about money. It's not an area of interest.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.

I am not... totally unreceptive to colour providing it makes its appearance quietly, deferentially, and without undue fanfare.

I hate academic mysteries. As soon as I come across the word 'don' and it's not someone's first name, I close the book.

It would also have been helpful to have gone to a Catholic grammar school. The only people who know grammar are those people who went to Catholic grammar school. Those nuns beat it into them.