W. C. Fields Quotes

Here is my best advice on the matter of deductibles: just count off on your fingers all the items that you suspect might be deductible - and then forget them, because they aren't.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house unless they have a well-stocked bar.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

I don't know why I ever come in here. The flies get the best of everything.

I would rather be living in Philadelphia.

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

The nation needs to return to the colonial way of life, when a wife was judged by the amount of wood she could split.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose--to make people laugh.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

In the ten years since I had run away from home...I had gone through more strange experiences than the average person crowds into a whole lifetime.

Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.

Never eat at a place called 'Moms', but if the only other place in town has a sign that says 'Eats', go back to Moms.

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

Fields' reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.