W. C. Fields Quotes

Bert Williams was the funniest man I ever saw and the saddest man I ever knew.

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

A man who overindulges lives in a dream. He becomes conceited. He thinks the whole world revolves around him; and it usually does.

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be stripped. Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whiskey has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I don't drink water. Have you seen the way it rusts pipes?

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.

I'd take a Bromo, but I can't stand the noise.

Never work with animals or children.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

The best thing to break is a contract.

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

Ultimately chess is just chess - not the best thing in the world and not the worst thing in the world, but there is nothing quite like it.

After two days in the hospital, I turn to the nurse.

My daughter wants to throw a stone at a bad man. I stop her from throwing, shaking my head and giving her a little slap. My disapproval is complete. You think: 'That's right, she shouldn't throw a stone even at a villain.' Then I hand her a brick to throw.

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

Set up another case bartender! The best thing for a case of nerves is a case of Scotch.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

When asked to borrow money: "I'll see what my lawyer says. . . . And if he says yes, I'll get another lawyer.

First prize was a week in Philadelphia. Second prize was two weeks.

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy brothers murdered their mother with an axe.

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon - and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

Smile first thing in the morning. Get it over with.

It's a funny old world. A man's lucky if he gets out of it alive.

Never mind what I told you - you do as I tell you.

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

You can't cheat an honest man.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

Comedy is merely tragedy happening to someone else.