Ambrose Bierce Quotes

Age is provident because the less future we have the more we fear it.

CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.

Absence blots people out. We really have no absent friends.

To bother about the best method of accomplishing an accidental result.

Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.

MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an imaginary one. Important.

In theology, the state of a luckless mortal prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are predestined to salvation.

OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment . . . . judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the doer had when he performed it.

COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power.

EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not an ambassador.

GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of the medical student.

TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.

DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and daughters.

Hope is desire and expectation rolled into one.

MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines, who believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could not be done by talking. Herod of Judea, all the famous soldiers have been practical exponents of the Malthusian idea.

An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of existing with increasing activity to the end of time.

There are two instruments worse than a clarinet - two clarinets.

Truth - An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance.

Least said is soon disavowed.

Condole - to show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.

Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including its king, the House Fly ("Musca maledicta"). The father of Zoology was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother has not come down to us.

optimism, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and is most acceptably expounded with disproof - an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious.

Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they are in the market. Miss, Misses (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound and sense.

IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.

PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American politics.

Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.

ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend.

CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws.

PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.

Kindness n: A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction.

PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution - they knew no more of the matter than he.

True, man does not know woman. But neither does woman.

REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not inconsistent with continuity of sin.

MUMMY, n. - an ancient Egyptian handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.

MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple is in the holy city of New York.

PIG, n. An animal ("Porcus omnivorus") closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.

Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, along the line of desire.

Democracy is four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.

DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences over another set.

Scriptures - The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Democracy is defended in 3 stages. Ballot Box, Jury Box, Cartridge Box.

R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of "requiescat in pace", attesting to indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, however, the letters originally meant nothing more than "reductus in pulvis".

A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment.

REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work upon a book, and so read out of it/ The qualities that you have first read into it.

APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider

TRUCE, n. Friendship.