Louis C. K. Quotes

People are too afraid of uptown. A lot of people will tell you, like, "Don't go to Harlem. You can never go there. 'Cause as soon as you get there, they kill you." That's what people think. As soon as you arrive in Harlem, someone just stabs you in the face right away. That's people's image of Harlem: just everyone standing around waiting for lost white people to kill all day. "Did you see any? I didn't either."

Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.

Sadness is poetic. You're lucky to live sad moments. When you let yourself be sad, your body has antibodies. It has happiness that comes rushing in to meet the sadness.

We have white people problems in America. You know what that is? That's when your life is amazing, so you just make stuff up to get worried about.

I get mad like anybody else does, but being able to laugh about getting mad is very healthy, and my kids know that.

Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

It's hard to know where your thoughts come from, especially when you have a thirst for material because you need it professionally.

Stereotypically speaking feminists can't take a joke. ::audience boo:: See?

I do love standup. I love comedians. They're my community. Also, because I know so many of them, I know the value of them. I know what they can do.

I like pressure. Pressure doesn't make me crack. It's enabling. I eat pressure, and there might be times when I get a bad feeling in my gut that this might be too much, but you feel pressure when you're not doing something, you know?

You would never do stand-up without an audience. I mean, no one would even consider it. It's like they're the instrument you're playing.

When I take my kids out for dinner or lunch, people smile at us.

You have to be really tenacious. You have to keep at it. There are many roads to get there. If you can get yourself into Harvard, that's a good way to go, because every Harvard graduating class, the agencies come trolling around and they'll look for you. So if you go to Harvard, you'll get found there.

I'm bored' is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

Everything that's difficult you should be able to laugh about.

Anytime you see a bit where some stranger does something to me, it's me.

I remember the day I saw my hair was thinning. I don't remember caring much. I don't care. It's just hair. It never bothered me much. I was pretty young, too. And it happened and is happening very slowly. I have a feeling dead people get really mad when we complain about losing hair.

Some people think it's demeaning to victims if you ever say anything out-loud about sexual abuse of children. I don't know if that's true.

I watch a lot of sports. But when I'm not working, I'm with my daughters every chance I get.

A lot of stand-up specials for cable are meant to glorify the comedian. They put you in a really beautiful theater, and sometimes they even blow a little smoke in there to make it misty and sweet. They make the guy look like he's a big rock star. But comedy's not really glamorous. It doesn't enhance comedy for it to look good.

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

Performing comedy, you develop a rhythm of ideas and laughs. I live for it.

You need to build an ability to just be yourself, and not be doing something.

I ate too much and masturbated too recently, you know? It's bad to like jerk off and run out the door, 'cause you run into somebody. "Oh, she knows..." You got to take some time alone to process the shame.

Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.

I’m bored’ is a useless thing to say. I mean, you live in a great, big, vast world that you’ve seen none percent of. Even the inside of your own mind is endless; it goes on forever, inwardly, do you understand? The fact that you’re alive is amazing, so you don’t get to say ‘I’m bored.

You can't cancel my stand-up tours. It's impossible. There's too many separate bosses. There is no 'bosses.'

To me, art supplies are always okay to buy.

When you're a father in a marriage, you sort of become the mother's assistant, and you sort of get a list from her every day, and you do, you know, you run down the list, and it feels very much like a chore. And a lot of fathers live in kind of an avoidance. They sit on the toilet for several hours a day... Oh, honey, it took me 40 minutes to go to the post office... But once you become a dad without the mom there, you have to take it all on, and you sort of activate male skills that you didn't know you could apply to fatherhood.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

There's been a lot of simple vilification of right-wing people. It's really easy to say, 'Well, you're Christian, you're anti-this and that, and I hate you.' But to me, it's more interesting to say, 'What is this person like and how do they really think?'

I like being full, every day, with stuff that I have to do.

You know the only thing happier than a three-legged dog? A four-legged dog.

...Then I got divorced and everything changed, and I became a father in a whole new way and found a whole new set of difficulties.

I find that when people laugh really hard, it's usually because they're connecting and identifying in a way that they hadn't considered. That's my payoff.

The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.

A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.

If you can survive disappointment, nothing can beat you

There's people that say “It's not fair You have all that stuff.” I wasn't born with it. It was a horrible process to get to this. It took me my whole life. If you're new at this- and by “new at it.” I mean 15 years in, or even 20- you're just starting to grow traction. Young musicians believe they should be able to throw a band together and be famous, and anything that's in their way is unfair and evil. What are you, in your 20s, you picked up a guitar? Give it a minute.

Very few American parents give a crap about how they raise their kids. They put minimal effort into it. Who told you it's a good idea to buy a developing mind a video game?