Ambrose Bierce Quotes

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A malefactor who atones for making your writing nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible.

Ambrose Bierce

Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.

Ambrose Bierce

Backbite: To ''speak of a man as you find him'' when he can't find you.

Ambrose Bierce

Damning, with bell, book and candle / Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal. / A rite permitting Satan to enslave him / Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him.

Ambrose Bierce

PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the Immune. The plague today . . . is merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.

Ambrose Bierce

Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.

Ambrose Bierce

A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the "buffone", or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the play.

Ambrose Bierce

LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem - a kind of contest in which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is denied the reward of success.

Ambrose Bierce

REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.

Ambrose Bierce

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.

Ambrose Bierce

Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

Ambrose Bierce

DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead - a circumstance from which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia.

Ambrose Bierce

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

Ambrose Bierce

PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called trousers by the enlightened and pants by the unworthy.

Ambrose Bierce

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

Ambrose Bierce

ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.

Ambrose Bierce

Alligator: The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World.

Ambrose Bierce

LIAR, n. One who tells an unpleasant truth.

Ambrose Bierce

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Ambrose Bierce

INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the back.

Ambrose Bierce

HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

Ambrose Bierce

You cannot adopt politics as a profession and remain honest.

Ambrose Bierce

MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.

Ambrose Bierce

Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

Ambrose Bierce

Introduction - a social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.

Ambrose Bierce

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.

Ambrose Bierce

Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.

Ambrose Bierce

As a means of dispensing formulated ignorance our boasted public school system is not without merit; it spreads out education sufficiently thin to give everyone enough to make him a more competent fool than he would have been without it.

Ambrose Bierce

COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's uneasiness.

Ambrose Bierce

PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he never exert it.

Ambrose Bierce

RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the conscience.

Ambrose Bierce

Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.

Ambrose Bierce

Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our partisan journals.

Ambrose Bierce

EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the other-which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has never seen a dog except in pursuit of a rabbit to declare the rabbit the cause of the dog.

Ambrose Bierce

APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom.

Ambrose Bierce

DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another.

Ambrose Bierce

JESTER, n. An officer attached to the king's household to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and utterances . . . the king's own conduct and decrees [being] sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of all mankind.

Ambrose Bierce

MARTYR, One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a desired death.

Ambrose Bierce

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Ambrose Bierce

STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue.

Ambrose Bierce

Witticism. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.

Ambrose Bierce

LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his election".

Ambrose Bierce

QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging to one person is contained in the pocket of another - usually about as many times as it can be got there.

Ambrose Bierce

Revelation: a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.

Ambrose Bierce

DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day improper - the former devoted to sins of business, the latter consecrated to the other sort.

Ambrose Bierce

THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion and all the mystery of science.

Ambrose Bierce

A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement.

Ambrose Bierce

At war with savages and idiots. To be a Frenchman abroad is to be miserable; to be an American abroad is to make others miserable.

Ambrose Bierce
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