Joan Rivers Quotes

I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”

I love gay and lesbian parents. But I think we need a law that says lesbians and gay men have to raise their children together. This way, the kids would not only know how to build bookshelves, but they'd also instinctively know how to decorate them.

I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.

I have to tell you that it's not going to be easy. Take every chance and every opportunity that you can. Don't say 'I can't' or 'I shouldn't' or 'I'm too tired.'

to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.

I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.

Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.

Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.

Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

I think we all in comedi business, especially when we reach a certain age, are divas up to a point. I love when a limousine comes for me, I can't lie about that. I love when you go to a restaurant and they say, "Come this way, Miss Rivers," and you get a good table. I love all that, the perks that come with the business.

I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I said to my husband, 'my boobs have gone, my stomach's gone, say something nice about my legs.' He said, 'Blue goes with everything.'

Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!

My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.

Does fashion matter? Always - though not quite as much after death.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.

Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.

Run scared ... and they never catch you.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.

Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.

Remember a few years ago when they left Bea Arthur out of the death reel at the Oscars? Bea Arthur! How did they leave Bea Arthur out? She was in Mame; she was in All in the Family; she was in Maude; she was a Golden Girl, for God's sake! Bea was not only one of Hollywood's leading ladies, she was one of Hollywood's leading men!

I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!

When you're first-generation money, you want to say, "I got a Mercedes and a Rolls and a Lamborghini. Take a look." When you're second-generation money, you're very quiet behind your country club doors. I think that's why people are much more aware. It's the first-generation wives that have the huge rings and the second-generation says, "Everyone be quiet as we get on our yacht or our private plane."

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.