Joan Rivers Quotes

I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.

Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.

I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.

If you can't make fun of yourself, you don't have any right to make fun of others

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.

Life is a movie, and you're the star. Give it a happy ending.

My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.

I use a smoke alarm as a timer.

Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.

Can we talk?

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.

The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.

Your proudest moment is to watch your egg not just function, but to achieve on her own.

Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.

As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

I think it was Cosby who also said to me, 'If only 2 percent of the world thinks you're funny, you'll still fill stadiums for the rest of your life.'

I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.

Before we make love, my husband takes a pain killer.

Every television show you go on is a choice.

I’m never without a bandage.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.

To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.

Marriage isn't a contest to see who is most often right. Marriage requires being what the Japanese call 'the wise bamboo,' which means you bend so you don't break. Treat your spouse with the flexibility and respect you would give to a top client. Think how we treat clients; We smile, we are polite, we listen to their ideas. Never forget that your spouse is your most important client.

My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband & I slept in bunk beds.

A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.

I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Obama came in and said he was going turn everything around, and you can't. Give the guy a break. But I question a lot of what's happening. It's certainly going to reflect in my vote, but who else is there? It's a horrible time, because people vote party lines instead of what's good for the country. I think the whole health care issue turned so ugly, because of party lines, and that's not what that's supposed to be about.

If you laugh at it, you can deal with it.

Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.

How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.

Life is so tough. I don't know how old you are, but I've seen so much in a wink. One phone call and your life is changed forever. We all know that. You better laugh at everything.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

I could never be in a cult. For starters, they never accessorize properly. David Koresh had no fashion sense, Jim Jones wore leisure suits, and I don't care how charismatic Osama bin Laden was, an AK-47 and an insulin drip do not take the place of drop earrings or a well-placed brooch.

Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.

No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

I hate reality shows that are not reality.

Boy George is all England needs. Another queen who can't dress.

Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all; grief is a spectator sport for them.

Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.