Josh Billings Quotes

In the whole history of the world there is but one thing that money cannot buy...to wit--the wag of a dog's tail.

Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.

It is easy to assume a habit; but when you try to cast it off, it will take skin and all.

My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.

There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness.

Most people repent their sins by thanking God they ain't so wicked as their neighbors.

Opinions should be formed with great caution, and changed with greater.

Debt is like any other trap, easy enough to get into, but hard enough to get out of.

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while.

Rumor is a vagrant without a home, and lives upon what it can pick up.

Stupidity,--unconscious ignorance.

Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius.

To enjoy a good reputation, give publicly, and steal privately.

Rumor is like bees; the more you fight them the more you don't get rid of them.

Sekts and creeds ov religion, are like pocket compesses, good enuff tu pinte out the direction, but the nearer the pole yu git thewuss tha wurk.

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.

It is true that wealth won't make a man virtuous, but I notice there ain't anybody who wants to be poor just for the purpose of being good.

Fashion makes fools of some, sinners of others, and slaves of all.

Threescore years and ten is enough; if a man can't suffer all the misery he wants in that time, he must be numb.

People who have nothing to say are never at a loss in talking.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

The man whose only pleasure in life is making money, weighs less on the moral scale than an angleworm.

Occasions are rare; and those, who know how to seize upon them, are rarer.

It ain't what a man don't know that makes him a fool, but what he does know that ain't so.

Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.

Method is the arithmetic of success.

Seneca devoted much of his time to writing essays in praise of poverty, and in lending money at usurious rates.

Some folks as they grow older grow wise but most folks simply grow stubborner.

Health is like money, we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it.

Zoroaster said, when in doubt abstain; but this does not always apply. At cards, when in doubt take the trick.

It is a great art to be superior to others without letting them know it.

Don't ever prophesy; for if you prophesy wrong, nobody will forget it; and if you prophesy right, nobody will remember it.

The unfortunate do not pity the unfortunate.

I haven't got as much money as some folks, but I've got as much impudence as any of them, and that's the next thing to money.

If a man is right, he can't be too radical; if he is wrong, he can't be too conservative.

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

If a man should happen to reach perfection in this world, he would have to die immediately to enjoy himself.

Where religion is a trade, morality is a merchandise.

Keep a cow, and then the milk won't have to be watered but once.

Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.

Wisdom has never made a bigot, but learning has.

Incredulity is the wisdom of the fool.

There is gravity in wisdom, but no particular wisdom in gravity.

The best medicine I know for rheumatism is to thank the Lord that it ain't gout.

The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.

When you do laugh, open your mouth wide enough for the noise to get out without squealing, throw your head back as though you were going to be shaved, hold on to your false hair with both hands and then laugh till your soul gets thoroughly rested.

Life is like a mountain: after climbing up one side and sliding down the other, put up the sled.

He whom prosperity humbles, and adversity strengthens, is the true hero.