Louis C. K. Quotes

The only road to doing good shows, is doing bad shows.

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

Sometimes I just want to tell a story regardless of whether it fits what the show is saying. I’ve been in a lot of writing rooms where somebody says an idea and everyone’s dying, like laughing so they’re delirious. It’s like a black hole in a good way, everything starts to fall into it, you know what I mean.

I don't think it makes any sense to try to get anyone to not talk.

I've had soccer moms come up and tell me they can relate when I say that I want to throw my baby in the trash.

Young people don't even consider that it's a good idea to be out on the fringe, which is where good ideas come from.

People don't talk to me on airplanes.

My kids and I figured out that there’s a third kind of person, and I don’t know what you call them, but it’s somebody who sees that the glass is always full because it’s half full with water and half full with nothing, so that’s the third kind of person. I don’t know what it is.

People say, 'My phone sucks.' No, it doesn’t! The shittiest cellphone in the world is a miracle. Your life sucks. Around the phone.

I've tried to do away with lying in my life in the last few years, but it's hard.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

I think I'm past any window where I'm suddenly going to become surprisingly ripped so that people go, 'Oh, my God, what happened to you?'

If you have something to say, here's what you do: You write it down on a piece of paper, you go out in the lobby, and then you go home and you kill yourself.

I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.

Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed ... into my mouth.

I don't have a room full of writers pitching ideas. It's just me out of my head.

Comedians work great as actors because they're good under pressure. With a lot of actors, you have to make them feel like everything's going really well to get a good performance out of them. But, if you have a comedian on the set, you can tell them, 'Hey, you really are screwing this up,' and then they just get better.

When I read things like the foundations of capitalism are shattering, I'm like, maybe we need that. Maybe we need some time where we're walking around with a donkey with pots clanging on the sides.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I'm enjoying the work while I get it right now.

In 27 years doing this, I've seen a handful of truly great, masterful standup sets. One was Tig Notaro last night at Largo.

Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.

You’ll be fine. You’re 25. Feeling [unsure] and lost is part of your path. Don’t avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. take a breath. You’ll be okay. Even if you don’t feel okay all the time.

I'm close to my audience. I think I have more tools in my box than other guys who might try it. Also, I know how to do this stuff. I know how to write and shoot and edit. I'm technically adept and that helped with the website. You need a big skill set.

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

It's hard having kids because it's boring... It's just being with them on the floor while they be children. They read Clifford the Big Red Dog to you at a rate of 50 minutes a page, and you have to sit there and be horribly proud and bored at the same time.

I don't care about the weight. You know, I'm lucky; I'm one of those people - I can eat donuts, whatever, and I just get fat.

There's no real preparing at home for stand-up. You just go and you just do it.

I don't have a brother in real life.

How do women still go out with guys, when you consider the fact that there is no greater threat to women than men? We're the number one threat to women. Globally and historically, we're the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women... You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.

There's a reason it's called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.

I don't think women are better than men, I think men are a lot worse than women.

Life's too short to be an asshole, as an employer or as an employee.

I just always loved comedy and I really wanted to be good at it. And it was heartbreaking, 'cause I started and I wasn't good at it. I was only 17-years-old, so I had a lot to learn about life in general. But I just kept on trying. I was young enough and stupid enough and I had no other choice. I had nothing else I was good at.

Everything that people say is testable.

I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.

I don't know if you've ever had just five dollars in the bank, but I've found that if that's all you have, you can't get it out.

If I do something for my kids, I get a medal, because most fathers don't.

If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

It's kind of awkward to eat alone in a restaurant because everybody's looking at me.

Spend time with your kids and have your own ideas about what they need. It won't take away your manhood; it will give it to you.

I think one reason TV has always done well is because there is something comforting where you kind of know what you're going to be taken through.

You have to do a show as honestly as you can. But you also can't afford skepticism, because it's preparing for failure, which is useless.

There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.

Apple embodies a lot of what have been defined as feminine traits: an emphasis on intuitive design, intellect, a strong sense of creativity, and that striving to always make the greatest version of something.

There's nowhere I won't go. As long as it's horribly, horribly true and/or wrong.