Woody Allen Quotes

I've had a very productive life. I've worked very hard, I've never fallen prey to depression. I'm not sure I could have done all of that without being in psychoanalysis.

I'd like to make a great movie. I've made many movies. I think I've made some good movies, but I never felt I've made a great movie.

I think Frank Capra was a much craftier filmmaker, a wonderful filmmaker. He had enormous technique, and he knew how to manipulate the public quite brilliantly.

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

. . . they confuse everything I do with my life.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I've had bad luck in my two previous marriages. The first wife left me, and the second did not. ­

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

People make films for different reasons. For money. Or, they make them because something in them demands artistic expression. I do it because I enjoy the work.

I don't fear death. - I just don't want to be around when it happens.

The comedies are not a million laughs on the set. Its business and the dramas are business as well, really. When I'm writing it I struggle more with drama because I started out in comedy.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing here. I'm 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

The French make two mistakes about me. They think I'm an intellectual because I wear these glasses and they think I'm an artist because my films lose money.

Life is a tragedy filled with suffering and despair and yet some people do manage to avoid jury duty.

Geez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I'm never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts.

Don't you see the rest of the country looks upon New York like we're left-wing, communist, Jewish, homosexual pornographers? I think of us that way sometimes and I live here.

I don't want to be immortal through my works. I want to be immortal by not dying.

Sex is better than talk. Ask anybody in this bar. Talk is what you suffer through so you can get to sex.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

When you work from city to city or country to country, you work the same way; the working method is the same.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.

If you are not failing now and again, its a sign you are not doing anything very innovative

It's funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it's a contradiction.

I don't wanna live on in my work. I wanna live on in my apartment.

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

In every generation there are a few people who are authentically funny. The cosmetics change. You may not be able to articulate it, and you may laugh at them and get a certain amount of enjoyment. But when you're asleep at night, and you wake up at 3 in the morning, and you're alone in your bed, you know who's really funny.

We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn't be any witnesses.

I don't like to meet the actor and have a lot of conferences and talk about their sub-life and their off-screen life and their back stories and all that nonsense, because it never means anything.

I write the script; nobody sees it, not the people that put the money in the picture. I cast who I want, and make the film. That's why I've always felt the only thing standing between me and greatness, is me. There's no excuse for me not to be great except that I'm not.

The best an idea gets is when its in your head.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

But it was I - yes I - who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

That's the way I feel about the world: there are certain problems that can only be dealt with that way - going out and doing them. As ugly a truth as that is, I do think it's the truth about the world.

A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

What' s the matter with me? Why can't I be cool?

You are much more dependent on luck than you think. People say if you want to have a good relationship, you have to work at it. But you never hear it about anything you really like, about sailing or going to soccer games.

One of the wonderful things about making a film of any genre is that you have dialogue. You can take up a position. If you want to say something about your position, you can just say it. You don't have to spend massive amounts of screen time.

Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don't think they know what they're doing. When you see who wins those things-or who doesn't win them-you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is.