Woody Allen Quotes

Can you believe that? She says I'm not leader enough for her. Who was she looking for... Hitler?

There are worse things than death. Many of them playing at a theater near you.

Once munching has begun, Schopenhauer held, the human will cannot resist further munching, and the result is a universe with crumbs over everything.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

I've always had an easy time directing actors because I always hire ones that are great before I get my hands on them.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

Some women feel power is important, some women feel that looks are important, tenderness, intelligence...but sense of humor seems to permeate all of them.

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

Relationships are really what interest me the most. And I think, in the end, they interest most people the most. Even when you read Tolstoy or something, basically they're about man and woman relationships.

Life is tough and it's tough whether you're famous or not famous. And in the end it's probably better to be famous because the perks are better. You get better seats at the basketball game, and you get better tables and reservations places. If I call a doctor on Saturday morning I can get him. There's a lot of things, indulgences that you don't get, if you're not famous. Now I'm not saying it's fair. But I can't say that I don't enjoy it.

If I could change the structure of existence I would do it. I could see a better way to live for everybody.

I wish I could think of a positive point to leave you with. Will you take two negative points?

One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.

Usually, you hire people that you think are wonderful.

Those modern analysts, they charge so much! In my day, for five marks Freud himself would treat you. For ten marks he would treat you and press your pants. For fifteen marks Freud would let you treat him - that included a choice of any two vegetables.

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

There is no justice, there is no rational structure to it [life]. That is just the way it is, and each person figures out some way to cope.

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.

If man were immortal, do you realize what his meat bills would be?

If you aren't failing, you aren't trying.

Jazz is a big thing with me. It's a very big passion of mine, to play it. I'm an amateur musician and I love everything about it. I was obsessed with jazz when I was 15 years old and I know a lot about it because I've loved it so much.

It's important to control yourself because life gets too complicated if you don't, but the impulse is often there for people. Some say society should be more open. That doesn't work either.

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

When you make the film, there's a big difference between when you're in your own home at the typewriter, and when you're standing on a mountain, or on a street corner, and buses are coming by-it's a different reality. You make a million changes that were never in the script, but that reality dictates.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college.

I read in self-defense.

Retirement is a very subjective thing. There are guys I know who retire and they're very happy and they never miss work at all. I can't see myself retiring and fondling a dog every day. I like to get up and work and go out. I have too much energy or too much nervous anxiety or something. So I don't see myself retiring. Maybe I will suddenly get a stroke or a heart attack and I will be forced to retire, but if my health holds out I don't expect to retire.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes.

I call that mind free which jealously guards its intellectual rights and powers, which calls no man master, which does not content itself with a passive or hereditary faith, [and] receives new truth as an angel from Heaven.

I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

If the world is a progressively realized community of interpretation, then either quadruplictity will drink procrastination or, provided that the nothing negates, boredom will ensue seldom more often than frequently.

I can't understand why more people aren't bisexual. It would double your chances for a date on Saturday night.

My success has allowed me to strike out with a higher class of women.

I never have an alter ego in the movies. That's a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it's fun to write that. It gives them something to write.

But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking.

Is Knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know?

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.

Human beings are divided into mind and body. The mind embraces all the nobler aspirations, like poetry and philosophy, but the body has all the fun.