When I die I intend to take my music with me. I don't know what's out there, but I want to make sure it's in my key.
George BurnsTennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.
George BurnsSince I've made it to 87 so far, obviously my two kids and my seven grandchildren haven't been too hard on me. On the other hand, the fact that I have an unlisted phone number and move a lot might have something to do with it.
George BurnsWhen I wasn't working, I put the blame directly where it belonged - I blamed my agent. When I didn't have an agent, I spent time looking for a new agent so I would have somebody to blame.
George BurnsIf I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
George BurnsI smoke cigars because at my age if I don't have something to hang on to I might fall down.
George BurnsA young mind in a healthy body is a wonderful thing. Especially for an old man with an open night.
George BurnsAt home we ate fish every Friday, as Catholics were then supposed to do. Being Jewish, I compromised. I wore a hat when I ate fish, out of respect for my own religion and the fish's family.
George BurnsSex has been around for a long time. You may not believe this, but it was around before I was.
George BurnsI drink coffee with my right hand, and I smoke with my left. But I talk with both hands.
George BurnsAnd God said 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.'
George BurnsFrom Paris we took the Orient Express to Vienna. I must say I was terribly disappointed; nobody was murdered on the train.
George BurnsI can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
George BurnsWell, anybody can be a straight man if he hears well. You just have to wait for laughs. A straight man just repeats the questions and the comedian gets the laughs and you just wait for them and don't let them die completely at the tail end of the laugh.
George BurnsEverything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
George BurnsI should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.
George BurnsBe sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.
George BurnsThere's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.
George BurnsWhen asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'
George BurnsThe happiest people I know are the ones that are still working. The saddest are the ones who are retired. Very few performers retire on their own. It's usually because no one wants them. Six years ago Sinatra announced his retirement. He's still working.
George BurnsWhen they saw me walking down the street smoking a cigar, they'd say, 'Hey, that 14-year-old kid may be going places.' Of course it's also a good prop on the stage ... When you can't think of what you're supposed to say next, you can puff on your cigar until you think of your next line.
George BurnsWhen Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
George BurnsAge to me means nothing. I can't get old; I'm working. I was old when I was twenty-one and out of work. As long as you're working, you stay young. When I'm in front of an audience, all that love and vitality sweeps over me and I forget my age.
George BurnsWhen I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I'm labeled senile.
George Burns