George Burns Quotes

Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

I like women to be attracted to me. See, when you get 60 years old, and they know you're 60, the only women you can get are 55-year-old women, and I like younger women.

It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.

Just because you're old that doesn't mean you're more forgetful. The same people whose names I can't remember now I couldn't remember fifty years ago. . .

I can't afford to die; I'd lose too much money.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

It's better to be happy doing something you love, even if you don't find success right away.

I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.

If I paid ten dollars for a cigar, first I'd make love to it, then I'd smoke it.

Define your business goals clearly so that others can see them as you do.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

My major contribution to the format was to suggest that I be able to step out of the plot and speak directly to the audience, and then be able to go right back into the action. That was an original idea of mine; I know it was because I originally stole it from Thornton Wilder's play Our Town.

I never go jogging, it makes me spill my martini.

I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.

I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.

People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

At my age flowers scare me.

I thought to myself, 'why not write a bestseller?' In the first place, more people buy them and more people read them. You make more money and it doesn’t take any more time to write a bestseller than it does to write a book nobody buys.

I'm onstage for an hour.I do an hour of stand-up. Actually, I do 10 minutes standing up and 50 minutes sitting in a chair. Oh, occasionally, I stand up again to do a dance or put over a song. But mostly I sit down. A great invention, sitting down.

I use the cigar for timing purposes. If I tell a joke, I smoke as long as they laugh and when they stop laughing I take the cigar out of my mouth and start my next joke.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

With the collapse of vaudeville new talent has no place to stink.

The heart is a temple wherein all truth resides.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes.

This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.

It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.

Much later in life, though, Gracie made a major contribution to the opera world. She stayed out of it.

How did I ever get sick? I've already had everything.

This is all so exciting I've decided to keep making one movie every 36 years.

If you stay in the business long enough and get to be old enough, you get to be new again.

Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it ... like lunch or dinner.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.

Money is the root of all evil.' Then we hear, 'A fool and his money are soon parted.' What are they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn't it be, 'A wise man and his money are soon parted'? And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools who have a lot of money, but they won't tell me how they got it, and I won't tell them.

Lots of people have asked me what Gracie and I did to make our marriage work. It's simple - we don't do anything. I think the trouble with a lot of people is that they work too hard at staying married. They make a business out of it. When you work too hard at a business you get tired; and when you get tired you get grouchy; and when you get grouchy you start fighting; and when you start fighting you're out of business.