Henny Youngman Quotes

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

I miss my wife's cooking - as often as I can.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

If, as the scientist say, sex is such a driving force, why is so much of it nowadays found parked?

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell and say, Here's your husband! The man's wife says, Where's his wheelchair?

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

There is no spark like the one ignited under the aspirations of a new graduate.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.