A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."
Henny YoungmanMy wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
Henny YoungmanAll my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
Henny YoungmanSome people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
Henny YoungmanI had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.
Henny YoungmanMy horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
Henny YoungmanMy wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"
Henny YoungmanZsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.
Henny YoungmanA man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Henny YoungmanI wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.
Henny YoungmanThe hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"
Henny YoungmanA baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.
Henny YoungmanA woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"
Henny YoungmanIf my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Henny YoungmanA Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Henny YoungmanI have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!
Henny YoungmanA Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!
Henny YoungmanI don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Henny YoungmanA man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!
Henny Youngman