Andy Rooney Quotes

Unfortunately, propaganda works.

I like animals who trust people.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?", here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

I've done a lot of complaining here, but of all the things I've complained about, I can't complain about my life.

It's best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it's requested, and when it's a life threatening situation.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

There are sixteen cans of coffee here; together they hold a total of thirteen and a half pounds of coffee. Doesn't that seem like cheating?

I never get over feeling bad about tearing open a beautifully wrapped present. It takes ten seconds to destroy a work of art that took someone ten minutes to accomplish.

When I write, I use an Underwood #5 made in 1920. Someone gave me an electric typewriter, but there's no use pretending you can use machinery that thinks faster than you do. An electric typewriter is ready to go before I have anything to say.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

My own time is passing fast enough without some national game to help it along.

Flying is always an unpleasant experience. You wait an hour for every ten minutes you actually spend getting anywhere.

Let's face it, though, anything that's apt to happen to an appliance like a blender isn't covered by the warranty anyway, so I never send them in. If it breaks, I'll buy a new one. That's the American way.

I've learned... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

The fastest thing computers do is go obsolete.

The two biggest sellers in any bookstore are the cookbooks and the diet books. The cookbooks tell you how to prepare the food, and the diet books tell you how not to eat any of it!

If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

In the United States alone, we spend seven times as much on war as on education. There's something wrong there. On this Memorial Day, we should certainly honor those who have died at war, but we should dedicate this day, not so much to their memory, but to the search for a way to end the idiocy of the wars that killed them.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.

I'm already suspicious of anyone who thinks he or she is smart enough to be president. You'd have to have some ego to believe that about yourself.

I've learned... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

It isn't working that's so hard, it's getting ready to work.

Dogs are nicer than people.

I just wish this social institution [religion] wasnt based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isnt true.

It's paradoxical, that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

Don't take a butcher's advice on how to cook meat. If he knew, he'd be a chef.

American closets are filled with once-worn clothes that got a bad review from a friend on their first appearance.

I've learned... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I know a lot of you believe that most people in the news business are liberal. Let me tell you, I know a lot of them, and they were almost evenly divided this time. Half of them liked Senator Kerry; the other half hated President Bush.

The world must be filled with unsuccessful musical careers like mine, and it's probably a good thing. We don't need a lot of bad musicians filling the air with unnecessary sounds. Some of the professionals are bad enough.

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

You really can't blame the military for wanting to go to war [in Iraq]. They've got all these new toys and they want to know whether they work or not.

When there are starving people in the world, it seems wrong that so many of us Americans eat as much for entertainment as for nourishment.

If you don't enjoy getting up and working and finishing your work and sitting down to a meal with family or friends, then the chances are you're not going to be happy. If someone bases his happiness or unhappiness on major events like a great new job, huge amounts of money, a flawlessly happy marriage or a trip to Paris, that person isn't going to be happy much of the time. If, on the other hand, happiness depends on a good breakfast, flowers in the yard, a drink or a nap, then we are more likely to live with quite a bit of happiness.

A little-recognized value of listening and inquiring relates to the realization that in human relationships, it is frequently not what the I've learned ... that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances: when it is requested and when it is a life-threatening situation.

I've learned ... that no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.