Andy Rooney Quotes

I had one typewriter for 50 years, but I have bought seven computers in six years. I suppose that's why Bill Gates is rich, and Underwood is out of business.

It's ridiculous for a country to get all worked up about a game—except the Super Bowl, of course. Now that's important.

Milk without fat is like nonalcoholic Scotch.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

Writers don't often say anything that readers don't already know, unless its a news story. A writer's greatest pleasure is revealing to people things they knew but did not know they knew. Or did not realize everyone else knew, too. This produces a warm sense of fellow feeling and is the best a writer can do.

We need people who can actually do things. We have too many bosses and too few workers.

I've learned... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

The only thing that really bugs me about television's coverage is those damn women they have down on the sidelines who don't know what the hell they're talking about. I mean, I'm not a sexist person, but a woman has no business being down there trying to make some comment about a football game.

Have you noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me?"

Where some people may see loving grandparents, I see a pair of feckless boobs who can't drive, take way too long to shop, and don't even have the most basic grasps on the new technology. As a staunch supporter of the principles of Darwinism, I think that advances in modern medicine are starting to overrule the survival of the fittest, and it's to our [youngers'] detriment.

For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40 +, there is a balding, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning lousy hunter.

I hate to say it, but I had a great time in World War II.

The English language is more complex than calculus because numbers don't have nuances.

It would be a better world if everyone in it knew all the truth about everything.

Person-to-person, most people are honest.

One of the sweetest things in life: a letter from a friend.

The closing of a door can bring blessed privacy and comfort - the opening, terror. Conversely, the closing of a door can be a sad and final thing - the opening a wonderfully joyous moment.

When it comes to educating all of us about the most basic things in life, it seems to me we need more kindergartens and fewer graduate schools.

When those waiters ask me if I want some fresh ground pepper, I ask if they have any aged pepper.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.

I understand shipping - you have to expect to pay for the stamps or for the freight company - but what's this handling they always have? How much does handling cost, anyway? I don't want a lot of people handling something I'm going to buy before I get it. How much would it cost if you didn't handle it before you sent it to me?

Some people who hated Americans set out to kill a lot of us and they succeeded [on 9/11]....We're trying to protect ourselves with more weapons. We have to do it, I guess, but it might be better if we figured out how to behave as a nation in a way that wouldn't make so many people in the world want to kill us.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

Before a kid learns how to use a computer that can solve mathematical problems, he or she should know how to do arithmetic without a computer.

A cat's idea of a 'good time' is to kill something.

I don't know anything offhand that mystifies Americans more than the cotton they put in pill bottles. Why do they do it? Are you supposed to put the cotton back in once you've taken a pill out?

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

It is possible to be dumb and be a college president.

There's nothing people like better than being asked an easy question. For some reason, we're flattered when a stranger asks us where Maple Street is in our hometown and we can tell him.

My most serious character flaw is that I don't deny myself much.

Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.

The only people who say worse things about politicians that reporters do are other politicians.

The third rule of life is this: Everything you buy today is smaller, more expensive, and not as good as it was yesterday.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I did not believe in the war. I thought it was wrong to go into any war. And I got to the war, and saw the Germans, and I changed my mind. I decided we were right going into World War II.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some governmental stooge with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts for squirting out babies.

Most of the people in the world are good and decent if you give them a chance to be.

There are more beauty parlors than there are beauties.

A great many people do not have the right to their own opinion because they don't know what they are talking about.

Taxes are important. President Bush's tax proposals leave no rich person behind. Voters approve of President Bush helping the kind of people they wish they were one of.

The average bright young man who is drafted hates the whole business because an army always tries to eliminate the individual differences in men.

Never trust the food in a restaurant on top of the tallest building in town that spends a lot of time folding napkins.

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

I've learned... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I can't choose how i feel. But i can choose what I do about it.