I think the answer is we all need a little help, and the coffee's a little help with everything — social, energy, don't know what to do next, don't know how to start my day, don't know how to get through this afternoon, don't know how to stay alert. We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.
Jerry SeinfeldThe human body is like a condominium. The thing that keeps you from really enjoying it is the maintenance.
Jerry SeinfeldI've been car crazy my whole life, since I was nine years old. It's just something I'm very aware of.
Jerry SeinfeldIt's like having... you know, your phone has a charger, right? It's like having a charger for your whole body and mind. That's what Transcendental Meditation is!
Jerry SeinfeldI have a problem with that silver medal. It's like, 'Congratulation s, you almost won. Of all the losers, you're the number one loser. No one lost ahead of you.'
Jerry SeinfeldYou know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind
Jerry SeinfeldMarriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.
Jerry SeinfeldThe truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.
Jerry SeinfeldAccording to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
Jerry SeinfeldMost people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic.
Jerry SeinfeldI always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.
Jerry SeinfeldSometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.
Jerry SeinfeldYou have to motivate yourself with challenges. That's how you know you're still alive.
Jerry SeinfeldIf you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Jerry SeinfeldActually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it."
Jerry SeinfeldWhat causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'
Jerry SeinfeldWhy is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
Jerry SeinfeldIt reminds me of like this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. A government funded pathetic friend.
Jerry SeinfeldWhy does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people."
Jerry SeinfeldI'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.
Jerry SeinfeldYou can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'
Jerry SeinfeldFor people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity - I just don't want to do that.
Jerry SeinfeldWhat I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.
Jerry SeinfeldWhat's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?
Jerry SeinfeldThe padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
Jerry SeinfeldSo let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."
Jerry SeinfeldWhy is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."
Jerry SeinfeldLooking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.
Jerry SeinfeldWhere lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.
Jerry SeinfeldThere's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'
Jerry SeinfeldMagazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?
Jerry Seinfeld