Ray Romano Quotes

You have to remember: the wife been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces. Sometimes the opposite.

I'll be spending the holidays with my family. Nothing special, just some light bickering and biting sarcasm.

I was wracked with insecurity.

I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.

I had to be naked [in Vinyl], but I was almost more nervous about having to be drunk. The director wasn't going to yell, "Too big!," during the nude scene. For the drunk scene, you can be bad drunk or good drunk. We'll see. My wife was not happy, hearing about it.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

I'm now unemployed. It's a weird feeling with no work, but at least there's still golf. Standup comedy is like my core, it's what I do. But I want to be a pro golfer. It's a love/hate relationship with golf. I can come away feeling so serene, and yet, it's the thing that I can let get to me to throw a club and say curses that don't even exist. I'm obsessed with something that won't let me master it. I don't know. I need therapy.

Without identical twins, you'll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

I want to do well and I want to fit in.

I put myself on tape and the cool thing was that Martin Scorsese had never heard of me. He had never seen [Everybody Loves Raymond]. I was just an unknown actor to him. I don't want to sound conceited, like he has to know who I am, but that seemed a little odd. He's a film genius. He doesn't watch sitcoms.

I was at home waiting for projects. I was on Parenthood and there was one season left, and I was thinking, "What's next?" I'm at this age where I'm trying to write my own script, and they sent this over and I decided to put myself on tape.

You don't want to shock them and do something totally opposite, but you also want to play a different character.

My theory has always been that everyone in show business is there because they were deprived of some attention as a child.

The married man has all but eliminated that worry from his life, simply because his wife knows all about him: the good, the bad, and the tiny.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness.'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

Well, I'm a 14 handicap. Anyone who golfs knows what that means.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

I can't complain about my career, that's for sure.

Mick Jagger also a music connoisseur and knows everything about that era. So, you knew the music side was going to be top-notch. It's HBO. On Men of Certain Age, if we wanted a song, it would break the bank. But, Vinyl can go all-out.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

When you wake up one day and say, "You know what? I don't think I ever need to sleep or have sex again." Congratulations, you're ready (to have children).

If I have sex, I know my quarterly estimated taxes must be due. And if it's oral sex, I know it's time to renew my driver's license.

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

I love standup and I haven't given it up.

I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.

I feel like this is a dream - and I apologize for how I dressed some of you.

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

My wife said to me 'I hope you win... but if you do and you go up and say you love me, don't think it makes up for never saying it when we're alone.

Mike Royce and I have always had success writing what we know. What we know now is that we're middle-aged, neurotic and fat.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

You know, before I would think, my cab driver hates me. Now I think my limo driver hates me.

I still got my hair, I'm not fat.

I'm always giving myself the Alzheimer's test. My shrink told me to do this. It takes one minute. You name every word that comes to mind that begins with the letter F.

If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.