Woody Allen Quotes

Show business is dog eat dog. It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.

Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

Sometimes the critics will like a film, and the public doesn't come. Sometimes the critics won't like the film, and the public will come. It's completely spontaneous. It's a hazard.

I don't like to reminisce much, and my walls don't have photographs of me and the actors I was with, or any of that stuff... I try and keep that disciplined, and just work. There are so many traps you can get into, and looking back on your own work is certainly one of them.

Years ago I was on television having a discussion with Billy Graham about atheism. He was saying, even if you're right and I'm wrong, and there's nothing after, I will have had a better life than you, because I do believe there was something. And I couldn't argue with that, even though I wanted to.

I have a number of symptoms that are neurotic and are constricting in the sense that if I had a brilliant idea for a film that had to be shot in Tulsa, OK I would tear it up and throw it away. Anything outside of New York, 'cause I can't exist in a hotel outside of my own home, I have to be in my own home and my own environment. This is a neurotic symptom that is constricting to my work even.

I'm so excited-I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

When I first started, there were writers that I looked up to that I felt very influenced by and very respectful toward their work and their opinion of my work.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

The meaning of life is that nobody knows the meaning of life.

Honey, there's a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

I see the glass half full...but of poison.

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso.

Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

The heart is a very, very resilient little muscle. It really is.

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny. I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

There are drawbacks in being famous too, but you can live with those. They're not life-threatening. If the paparazzi are outside your restaurant or your house - and actors make such a big thing of it and scurry into cars and drape things - you think they're going to be crucified or something. It's not a big deal. You can get used to that. It's not so terrible.

I keep getting more and more ambitious. Over the years, to some degree, in some areas, I feel I've grown. In some areas, I made a fool of myself. In some areas, I think I can still do some funny things.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.

There's no point in looking back, because there's nothing you can really do to improve the film. You can only aggravate and wish you had done stuff better.

I myself don't like to speak to the actors at all. I like to hire great people and let them do their thing. I don't like to speak to them. I don't like to have lunch with them. I don't like to socialize with them. I don't like to hear their ideas.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

To me, movies are valuable as an art form and as a wonderful means of popular entertainment. But I think movies have gone terribly wrong.

When you start putting a higher value on works of art than people, you’re forfeiting your humanity.

I am plagued by doubts.

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?

Raised by two mothers...wow, most of us barely survive one

I like broad comedy. If I had an idea tomorrow for a film that was all slapstick and broad comedy, and it was an idea that interested me, I would not hesitate to do it because I enjoy watching these kinds of film.

I usually want to crawl into the ground after I make a film, almost invariably.

Nothing like a little post-traumatic stress disorder to make your day complete.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I prefer the magic to reality, and have since I was 5 years old. Hopefully, I can continue to make films and constantly escape into them.

I don't rely on anybody except my own judgment. I don't get much input. I don't know if that's helped me or if I would be better off if I did rely on someone.

When you write the script, you're home in a room by yourself, and you're writing, and there's no connection with the real performing world. So you get a lot of things wrong and make a lot of mistakes and make a lot of bad choices.