Woody Allen Quotes

There are two important things in the world, the first is sex. The other isn't all that important.

Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

Not think of death as an end, but think of it more as a very effective way of cutting down on your expenses.

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

I can live in Paris for four months or London or, you know, Barcelona. These are places that are like New York. But I don't think I could live in many places. When I had to make a film in the United States I picked San Francisco because to me it's one of the great cities of America.

I'd always wanted to be a dramatic. Comedy comes more naturally to me. I can do it with more facility. So I feel more comfortable with it.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director.

I work all the time because it's a great distraction and it keeps me from sitting home and obsessing morbidly.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

If you meet somebody and are attracted to someone, and the exquisite neurons in your brain and her brain intermesh properly, then things can be wonderful. It's not like homework. You don't have to work at the relationship.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

Life is full of moments that are good - winning a lottery, seeing a beautiful woman, a great dinner - but the whole thing is tragic. It's an oasis that is very pleasant.

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

"Boy, the food at this place is really terrible." The other one says, "Yeah, I know; and such small portions." Well, that's essentially how I feel about life - full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.

For some reason I've always had an irrational love for New York. There's no reason that you would necessarily like it on paper. It's very expensive.

These were always obsessions of mine, even as a very young child. These were things that interested me as the years went on. My friends were more preoccupied with social issues - issues such as abortion, racial discrimination, and Communism - and those issues just never caught my interest. Of course they mattered to me as a citizen to some degree...but they never really caught my attention artistically.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

You make films whether they're dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn't interesting.

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

I was a smart kid and I was not understood by my parents.

If you aren't failing every now and then, you're probably playing it too safe.

I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.

I always feel, I guess being a product of the movies of the 40s where movies were the greatest things and screens were big and palaces were palaces and stars were larger than life that reality was so much inferior to what we felt was conceivably possible from what we had seen in the movies.

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

When I get up in the morning, I go and I work with beautiful women and charming men and funny comedians and dramatic artists. And I'm presented with costumes and great music to choose from and sets. I travel a certain amount of places, so I've been living in a bubble. And I like it.

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

The heart wants what it wants. There's no logic to these things. You meet someone and you fall in love and that's that.

A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I'm going to my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

When I asked my mother where babies came from, she thought I said rabies. She said you get them from being bitten by a dog. The next week, a woman on my block gave birth to triplets... I thought she'd been bitten by a Great Dane.

When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.

Dying is like making love, except you don't get naseous afterwards.

I cannot say for certain that God does not exist; I think the worst thing that can be said about him is that he's a bit of an underachiever.

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

The whole thrust of science and the medical profession is to try and prevent it from happening, to try to prolong life, to keep you from dying, to keep you from getting older, to rejuvenate you. I mean, that's everybody's wish. The fountain of youth is everybody's sought-after thing.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

[Stanley] Kubrick was a great artist and a perfectionist. He always wanted the exact right thing. He did a million takes. Everything had to be perfect. I'm an imperfectionist. I don't really care that much about the work. I write quickly. I'm careless. I shoot carelessly.

Everyone wants to get out of living where they're living now, because life is a pretty tough proposition and not much fun. But when you think back to earlier times, you only extrapolate the nice things.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to break a twenty?

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign