Ambrose Bierce Quotes

KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of.

EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom.

LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg "pate".

Cynicism is that blackguard defect of vision which compels us to see the world as it is, instead of as it should be.

Immoral: Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard to the greater number of instances men find to be generally inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If mans notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from and nowise dependent on, their consequences-then all philosophy is a lie and reason a disorder of the mind.

INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act.

Philanthropist, n.: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration.

SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to collect.

EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition. 'I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner,' said Brillat-Savarin, beginning an anecdote. 'What!' interrupted Rochebriant; 'eating dinner in a drawing-room?' 'I must beg you to observe, monsieur,' explained the great gastronome, 'that I did not say I was eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before.'

In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.

LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law.

Nominee. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public office.

BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the belief that it will not be given.

OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.

DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support which you are not in a position to exact from his fears.

Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the person so describing it.

Economy, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for the price of the cow that you cannot afford.

Finance is the art or science of managing revenues and resources for the best advantage of the manager

TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own.

EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc.

ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.

REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the propensity to provide.

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast.

Learning -the kind of ignorance affected by (and affecting) civilized races, as distinguished from ignorance, the sort of learning incurred by savages. See nonsense.

MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter (see Molecule). The monad has body without bulk, and mind without manifestation - containing all the powers and possibilities needful to his evolution into a German philosopher . .

SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with imperfect tenderness.

TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal passion for irresponsibility.

The ghost is the outward and visible signs of an inward fear.

OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities.

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that comes in sets.

A violin is the revenge exacted by the intestines of a dead cat.

Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.

PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was one who [was] not permitted to sing psalms through his nose [in Europe], followed it to Massachusetts, where he could personate God according to the dictates of his conscience.

FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit.

MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.

Good-bye -- if you hear of my being stood up against a stone wall and shot to rags please know that I think that a pretty good way to depart this life. It beats old age, disease or falling down the cellar stairs.

MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.

The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who has nothing to get all that he can.

Laziness. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.

Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.