Electricity is the power that causes all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else
Ambrose BiercePALMISTRY, n. The 947th method . . . of obtaining money by false pretences [by] "reading character" in the wrinkles [of] the hand. The pretence is not altogether false. . . for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word "dupe."
Ambrose BierceCARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous vegetarian, his heirs and assigns.
Ambrose BierceDog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.
Ambrose BierceNOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only by a process of reasoning - which is a phenomenon.
Ambrose BierceBAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.
Ambrose BierceWALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven.
Ambrose BierceEnthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
Ambrose BierceBook - Learning : The dunce's derisive term for all knowledge that transcends his own impertinent ignorance.
Ambrose BierceMAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened put them out to nurse, or use the bottle.
Ambrose BierceHistory is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
Ambrose BierceFor every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.
Ambrose BierceClarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.
Ambrose BierceDefinition: CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.
Ambrose BierceVITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as suffer from an impediment in their wit.
Ambrose BierceA single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.
Ambrose BiercePERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic.
Ambrose BierceEXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of no effect.
Ambrose BierceQUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to have their own way and their own way of having it. In the U.S. Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on Finance and a messenger from the White House.
Ambrose BierceGeneral," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring them into collision with the enemy.
Ambrose BiercePatriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen.
Ambrose BierceIntolerance is natural and logical, for in every dissenting opinion lies an assumption of superior wisdom.
Ambrose BierceBIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Etna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.
Ambrose BierceREVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. . . . the substitution of the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch.
Ambrose BierceAnoint, v.: To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently slippery.
Ambrose BierceInfidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.
Ambrose BierceRATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
Ambrose BiercePRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his knapsack and an impediment in his hope.
Ambrose BierceNECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient.
Ambrose BierceIn our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Ambrose BierceWhile your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands, you are safe, for you can watch both his.
Ambrose BiercePHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.
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