The devil is not abroad at night in the form of a cat or a wolf or any other animal. He lives eternally in the hearts of men.
Craig FergusonI had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
Craig FergusonClimate change is a serious problem. We all need to do what we can. Unless that means I've got to change stuff. Then I'm not doing it.
Craig FergusonIt's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
Craig FergusonMuch of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
Craig FergusonEverything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.
Craig FergusonThey say give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. But teach a man to fish and he'll get his own show on the Discovery Channel.
Craig FergusonYou know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time.
Craig FergusonI think sometimes that people think brave means not being afraid, which of course it doesn't mean that at all. It means that you're afraid, but you move past that and do it anyway, do what you think is right.
Craig FergusonIf the Fed ceases hiking, against the backdrop of still rising commodity prices, then the Australian dollar will have few reasons for resisting any topside advances.
Craig FergusonI do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
Craig FergusonThis story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
Craig FergusonItalian women are some of the most beautiful in the world. This is why the Vatican is in Italy. If a man can walk across Italy and retain his celibacy, he's got what it takes to be a priest - or an interior decorator.
Craig FergusonRemember the band, Flock of Seagulls? They had their van stolen. I was like, They still have a van?
Craig FergusonI haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.
Craig FergusonYou should never protest outside a rich guy's home during the day because he's not there. He's at work grinding the faces of the poor.
Craig FergusonThe nation of Iran is threatening to sue the makers of the movie Argo. They say the movie was an unrealistic portrayal of their country. You can't do that! That would be like Scotland suing over the movie Shrek.
Craig FergusonLove at first sight is not rare, in fact it is extremely common, it happens to some people a few times a year. The feeling of what if when meeting the eyes of a stranger can be love unrecognized.
Craig FergusonI like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
Craig FergusonThere are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, Yes! And people in San Francisco are like, Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you.
Craig Ferguson...slow down and self-edit and ask yourself the three things you must always ask yourself before you say anything: "Does this need to be said?" "Does this need to be said by me?" "Does this need to be said by me now?"
Craig FergusonA dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.
Craig FergusonI don't drink anymore for Cinco de Mayo. I celebrate with Mexican food, or as it's known in Mexico: 'food.'
Craig FergusonA casino in South Dakota was robbed by a man dressed as a mummy. The police described the suspect as anywhere between 25 and 8,000 years old.
Craig FergusonMark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
Craig FergusonOn that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.
Craig FergusonLance Armstrong admitted he used performance-enhancing drugs throughout his career. He confessed in front of the most respected judge in the land, Oprah Winfrey.
Craig FergusonThank heaven Election Day is over. No more campaign ads, no more mud-slinging, no more candidates pretending they're straight. It's over!
Craig FergusonThey were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.
Craig FergusonI didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.
Craig FergusonApple released the upgraded version of the iPhone 4, called the iPhone 4S. I think the S stands for suckers.
Craig Ferguson