George Carlin Quotes

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

You take 5 white guys and you take 5 black guys and put em together for a week and what you won't have is 5 blacks guys talking like, 'Golly gee, we really won that big basketball game' but you will have 5 white guys talking like 'Yo slick, whuzzup...we be shootin hoops and mad playin, slammed those mofos

There are actually people who go out and re-fight these battles. You know what I say? Use real ammunition! You just might raise the intelligence level of the American gene pool!

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.

When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I'll be safe at home!

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.

I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

An entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. An artist is on a journey: they don't know where they're going, what is going to happen, but they know they are not there yet, and there is some continuity and growth. I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.

For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.

The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

I'm certainly a skeptic. I always quibble with people.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

I thought of myself as an atheist until I realized it was a belief, too. It's a shame everything has to have a label. I feel that if I was figuratively dropped on the Earth and there was a political line, I would be just left of center. The difference for me is that conservatives are more interested in property values and rights and free markets, and liberals are more interested in human rights. In the end, there are people who don't fit into the marketplace and are not equipped. I believe the government should step in where the free market fails.

The patterns became even more vivid at Cardinal Hayes High School. That's when I began failing subjects and running away from home for days at a time.

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

I'm offering a special prize for the first Buick on the moon.

I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller.

To my way of thinking, there is every bit as much evidence for the existence of UFOs as there is for the existence of God. Probably far more. At least in the case of UFOs there have been countless taped and filmed and, by the way, unexplained sightings from all over the world, along with documented radar evidence seen by experienced military and civilian radar operators.>>.

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work.

The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I'm an American - you know, you grow.

That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me.

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

None of the Christian religions do [interest me]. They're all outer-directed.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning.

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

Cocaine was different. It kept saying, "You haven't had enough." I became an abuser almost instantly.

I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

There are an awful lot of things in the cut of street drugs that eventually make you sick. I reached a point where the skin around the edges of my fingernails used to hurt all the time. And it would peel away easily. Now, that must have been from some poison in the cut.