Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.
George CarlinI think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
George CarlinThere are two types of people: One strives to control his environment, the other strives not to let his environment control him. I like to control my environment.
George CarlinI suspect there really was more to my accident than bad luck. I think it was God's way of punishing my nose.
George CarlinThey say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
George CarlinThe other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
George CarlinAll the wrong things for all the wrong reasons. Sometimes people just want to feel different. And so long as Third World peasants are poor they will send us drugs, and as long as we are empty we will ask for this little plant.
George CarlinI was kind of sweet kid, according my mother, and my recollections. Thoughtful and good, but kind of alone - although I didn't interpret it that way, as such. Children never interpret these things. They think they understand logically.
George CarlinI enjoy watching a woman with really bad teeth and a good sense of humor struggling to use her lips and tongue to hide her teeth when she's laughing. I just stand there and tell her joke after joke after joke.
George CarlinPut two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.
George CarlinI sort of gave up on this whole human adventure a long time ago, divorced myself from it emotionally. It gives me an artistic detachment that I find valuable. I think the human race has squandered its gift, and I think this country has squandered its promise, for the sake of cell phones and Jet Skis.
George CarlinSometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
George CarlinCigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.
George CarlinI don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.
George CarlinEnvironmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
George CarlinI've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'
George CarlinSome people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
George CarlinThe two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things he doesn't want you to do and you'll burn for a long time if you do them - and private property, which I think is at the core of our failure as a species. That's the source of my indignations, my dissatisfactions, however it comes out on the stage. I feel betrayed by the people I'm part of, these creatures, these magnificent creatures.
George CarlinBaseball begins in the spring, the season of new life. Football begins in the fall, when everything's dying.
George Carlinhard work is a misleading term. physical effort & long hours do not constitute hard work. hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing...you're doing hard work.
George CarlinSome national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
George CarlinWhen I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.
George CarlinIsn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
George CarlinReligion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes. And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet.
George CarlinIt seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.
George CarlinI was a class clown, of the classic term for it. I would get the work done easily, and then I would try to deprive other people of their educations. I developed skills for mimicry, and I was a good showoff. I knew how to get attention, and I knew how to do it in a positive funny way.
George CarlinI think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school.
George CarlinTwo things happened. The creative side of my career was harmed. When I'd sit down and write under the influence of coke, the ratio of pages kept to pages thrown out declined drastically. But onstage, when rapping about a feeling I already owned, I would sometimes get a burst of eloquence.
George CarlinI should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
George CarlinSpirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting yourself from who you really are.
George Carlin