Chris Rock Quotes

See, the Black man gotta fly to get to something the white man can walk to.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.

I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'

I never had the confidence to say I was going to be in front of the camera as a comedian until I saw Eddie Murphy years later.

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

You know, you get famous and you work in these weird jobs and you don't have a lot in common with people. But once you have kids, you have everything in common with everybody.

An entertainer's reputation as a live act is the most valuable thing he or she can have. If people know you give good shows, you'll never be broke for the rest of your life.

When I hear people talk about juggling or the sacrifices they make for their children, I look at them like they're crazy because sacrifice infers that there was something better to do than the thing - than being with your children.

I don't write jokes first. I write down topics. I think of what I want to talk about, and then I write the jokes - they don't write me... And even if you don't think it's funny, you won't think it's boring. You might disagree, but you'll listen. And maybe even laugh as you disagree.

Shaq is rich. The white man who signs his check... is wealthy. "Ah, here you go, Shaq. Go buy yourself a bouncing car. Bling, bling!"

If Bill Gates woke up with Oprah's money he'd jump out the window.

A comedian has to live in his head. All this comedy comes from a lonely place. When you're surrounded by an entourage, you're not living in your head.

Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!

You can't be happy that fire cooks your food and be mad it burns your fingertips.

You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.

Comedians tend to find a comfort zone and stay there and do lamer versions of themselves for the rest of their career.

See... Relationships are hard, man. For order, for any relationship to work, both people have to be on the same page, both people have to have the same focus, and we all know what that page is. We all know what that focus is. In order for the relationship to work both people have to have the same focus, and what's that focus? That focus is all about HER! It's all about her!

When you make drama you are like Picasso. Drama is whatever you want it to be.

A lot of racism going on in the world right now. Who's more racist? Black people or white people? Black people. You know why? 'Cuz we hate black people too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people.

Though part of me had always wanted to be a comedian, another part of me had always wanted to be Bryant Gumbel or Dan Rather.

Does having a wife and kids change your act? Yes, but only in the best way. It gives you weight and authority. It also makes you closer to the audience because the audience is married and has kids.

You can't have anything valuable in your house. Niggers will break in and take it all! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people don't like about black people. It's like our own personal civil war. On one side, there's black people. On the other, you've got niggers. The niggers have got to go. I love black people, but I hate niggers. I am tired of niggers. Tired, tired, tired.

Give me a black man, a white woman, a giraffe, a zebra anything but another white man! That last one f***ed up my roof!

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

I got love from my family. I don't really need love from a paper, you know what I mean? I can't get too happy because somebody said something nice about me. I appreciate it, but let's not get it twisted - this is not changing my life.

Men lie the most. Men lie all the time.

I pride myself on being the guy who can do Def Comedy Jam and Charlie Rose. And do well on both.

Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth - hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!

I like talking about subjects that aren't funny in the first place and making them funny. So anything down and depressing is something I'll talk about.

I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.

Emotional affairs, those are the only real affairs; those are the real ones.

Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.

We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

I'm old enough to remember when there were no black quarterbacks - there were no blacks on TV. I hope my son or daughter doesn't have to be as fixated on race as I am, because he or she will grow up in freer times.

Nobody really wants to be a stand-up, they want to get on TV.

The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny.

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.

I took my AlDS test. You start reflecting... You start thinking about every nasty, skank-ass... It's like the movie Scrooge, and the Ghost of Pussy Past comes.

The thing about Barack Obama, just from being around him, is he's cooler than the other politicians, but just nerdy enough to do the job. Like you can't be really cool and be the president.

I want my name to be a brand in comedy. I hope my name stands for comedic excellence.

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

In the world of animation, you can be anything you wanna be. If you're a fat woman, you can play a skinny princess. If you're short wimpy guy, you can play a tall gladiator. If you're a white man, you can play an Arabian prince. And if you're a black man, you can play a donkey or a zebra.

Kennedy didn't beat Nixon. Satire beat Nixon.

They don't want you to vote. If they did, we wouldn't vote on a Tuesday. In November. You ever throw a party on a Tuesday? No. Because nobody would come.

If you wanna get away with murder, all you gotta do is shoot somebody in the head and put a demo tape in their pocket! 'This is a rap killing! Let's get outta here!'

You could be married and bored or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.