Chris Rock Quotes

No matter what happens or how difficult things become, you will eventually feel better.

Learn how to cook. Read books that will educate you. Get an education. Get a career. And support yourself. And live in a section of town that isn't conducive to violence.

When you're white, the sky's the limit. When you're black, the limit's the sky.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!"

I have four jackets, five pants, whatever, that are all the same. If you see U2 in concert, they wear the same thing every night. They just got a bunch of them. Albert Einstein used to wear brown suits every day. Why waste brainpower on something that is trivial?

I think it's better to have ideas.

The thing about having an audience right there laughing is that critics can write what they want, but the proof is right there in front of you.

I can see the humor in just about any situation. After I lost my dad, I realized that none of us should take things too seriously, because everything except death works itself out.

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

I'm an independent, but I got to admit I lean Democratic.

Black History Month is in the shortest month of the year, and the coldest-just in case we want to have a parade

Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Anything you can suck at should make you nervous.

You can't fake comedy - it's not like a movie, where a director can just cast a pretty face.

Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.

If you live below your means, you can turn down stuff all the time.

Just to be clear, Ray Rice was not fired for beating his wife. He was fired because a video of him beating his wife was released.

Being a comedian is a lot like being an athlete. If you're Carl Lewis and you're the fastest, then no matter what you're the fastest.

I pray there's a God...I know there's an Oprah.

That's all we had when I was a kid: Robitussin. No matter what you got, Robitussin better handle it. "Daddy, I got asthma." "Robitussin." "I got cancer." "Robitussin." "I broke my leg." Daddy poured Robitussin on it. "Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get in there. Yeah, boy, let that 'tussin get on down to the bone. The 'tussin ought to straighten out the bone."

The only reaction that frightens me is people not laughing. It's extraordinary to me when you get a laugh. That you can go in front of a bunch of people you never met before, you can say some stuff and they all laugh in unison - that's amazing. It's a miracle.

For the most part, comedy is the only fair part of show business.

George Bush hates midgets.

If you're the president you only have two jobs: peace and money.

I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.

Standup comedians are attracted to one another because of their faults. So we're all kind of messed up in the same way, and once I was around a group of people that saw the world in a different way, it's like this is where I need to be.

God bless America. And no place else.

I say everything's about company. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal.

People basically aren't that racist. They want their laughs. If I make a white guy laugh, he's gonna come see me. He's not gonna go see the white guy who doesn't make him laugh just because that guy is white.

When I do stand-up, I'm basically doing a one-man show.

The thing I try to get across to the writers - and I do a lot of writing, too - is that when I do stand-up, nothing I talk about is funny. Everything is really sad and tragic and then I make it funny.

That's a sure sign someone is going crazy - when he refers to himself in the third person, talks in low tones, and walks around wearing shades all day!

Pretty girls have problems too.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

All people naturally hate. My kid bites people now. I didn't teach my kid to bite anybody. Kids say mean stuff. Only through love do we get this evil out of them. Only through love and structure and discipline do they not hate. The kids that hate didn't learn anything, that's the problem.

Only dumb people try to impress smart people. Smart people just do what they do.

I was bused to a school in Gerritsen Beach in Brooklyn in 1972. I was one of the first black kids in the history of the school.

I'm never proper or careful, but I never curse in front of my mother, either.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I mean no disrespect to anything I did before.

I think it’s better to have ideas. You can change an idea; changing a belief is trickier.

The government doesn't want you to use YOUR drugs, they want you to use THEIR drugs.

I think anybody in front of a crowd is a comedian.

Oprah is rich; Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out of a window and slit his throat on the way down saying, 'I can't even put gas in my plane!'

Tomorrow is more sure than just about anything else in the entire world.