Chris Rock Quotes

My relationship with my daughter is gonna affect her relationship with men for the rest of her life... Sometimes I'm walking with my daughter. I'm pushing her in the stroller, and sometimes I just pick her up and stare at her, and I realize, my only job in life is to keep her off the pole.

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.

Nobody's good. I hate it. I truly hate it. I mean, there's a lot of guys doing stuff I admire, but stand-up-wise I feel very alone. I really miss Bill Hicks. I wish I could have put him on my show. And I really miss Sam Kinison a lot. Richard Pryor's sick... It's like you get here and then, oh wait a minute, there's nobody here any more. I feel like the guy who finally got into Studio 54, three years too late, Duh, where are all the famous people?

I see guys who can't make 10 percent of what I make, and yet they have four Bentleys, three houses, and four bodyguards.

I used to have horrible cars that would always end up broken down on the highway. When I tried to flag someone down, nobody stopped. But if I pushed my own car, other drivers would get out and push with me. If you want help, help yourself - people like to see that.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

When you've been on a ghetto diet your entire life, you're just happy to get a large soda instead of a medium.

Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.

Here's what I knew about doing a play: I knew it would make me a better actor.

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

I believe you got my property?

We got no wealthy black people. We got rich people. Shaq is rich. The guy who signs his checks is wealthy.

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

My goal in life was to host the MTV Awards, because it's the awards show that Prince sang on, and that was the awards show that Eddie Murphy hosted and Arsenio hosted.

You don’t need no gun control, you know what you need? We need some bullet control. Men, we need to control the bullets, that’s right. I think all bullets should cost five thousand dollars… five thousand dollars per bullet… You know why? Cause if a bullet cost five thousand dollars there would be no more innocent bystanders.

If a kid calls his grandma "Mommy" and his mama "Pam", he's going to jail!

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

When I do something good, the audience lets me know immediately. They laugh. That's it.

The two best things you can do for a person is have sex or make them laugh.

Happy white peoples independence day the slaves weren't free but I'm sure they enjoyed fireworks.

We treat racism in this country like it's a style that America went through. Like flared legs and lava lamps. Oh, that crazy thing we did. We were hanging black people. We treat it like a fad instead of a disease that eradicates millions of people. You've got to get it at a lab, and study it, and see its origins, and see what it's immune to and what breaks it down.

America is the greatest country in the whole world.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

I never wanted to churn it out. Comedians tend to work all the time. They never put it down like musicians who might make an album then take three or four years off to recharge their batteries. Comedians tend to work straight through and they get stale because of that. Even when I didn't have a lot of money I never ever did it unless I had something new to say.

Nobody ever says, 'Hey daddy, thanks for knockin' out this rent.' 'Hey daddy, I sure love this hot water.' 'Hey daddy, it's easy to read with all this light.' Nobody give a fk about dads!

I think my best work is when I'm kind of in charge.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

Eddie Murphy is to comedians what Nicki Minaj is to Spanx.

I always say about my daughters, they save me from my miserable self. They take me out, you know, a comedian, you could live in your head a lot. And you're writing and you're doubting. But when I'm with my kids and my family, it's all about them.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

There's always a moment in any stand-up show I do where people are booing. They kinda boo a premise. And then I bail myself out with a joke. But it's like trying to do movies where there's a dramatic undertone.

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

My mother always says: "You know better, so you'll be punished. Your friends don't know better, so they won't be punished. They can go snatch chains and they'll be fine. But if you snatch chains, you'll end up in jail because you know better."

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

I know what you're thinking: why is Chris Rock bagging groceries? But I dropped out of high school in the tenth grade, so if I couldn't tell jokes this is exactly what I'd be doing.

Men are only as unfaithful as their options.

If you want to prevent abortions, you make sure everyone has health care, a high school education and birth control. Not the exact opposite.

I'll probably pay more attention to the musicians in the pit than the stars because they're the closest you're going to get to normal people in the audience.

I saw the yearbook picture. There was six of them! I ain't have six friends in high school, I don't have six friends now! That's three on three with a half court.

The Democrats should have an empty chair on stage for the entire DNC, and when anyone asks who it belongs to, they can say Osama bin Laden.

Stand-up is the only career like that where once you get really big at it, people kind of encourage you not to do it.

I'm a nerd. I'm a little guy... the last guy you'd expect in a romantic movie.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

Funny is only something that others know about you - you can't be funny by yourself.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.