Craig Ferguson Quotes

Gas prices - it is $6 a gallon here. People in L.A. are furious. You can't tell, of course, because of the Botox.

I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.

Democrats in state legislatures are at their lowest level since the 1920s. President Obama has a can't-miss strategy to save the party in 2016. He's leaving.

If you watch cooking shows on cable, they have lots of British people. Because when you think good cooking, you immediately think Britain.

All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.

Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won't be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like Who shot J.R.? I like to think I do this every night - the question is, Is this show still on?

It is a great day for the great state of Texas. The last person being tested for Ebola has come back clean. So Texas is now Ebola free. This was a big week for them. They're now free of Ebola - and Democrats.

Personally, I hope he doesn't get out of the campaign. I need Rick Perry. I don't want to spend the next year trying to do jokes about Mitt Romney.

A new restaurant here in Southern California requires women to wear high heels. I'm outraged! This is sexist! Why just the women?

For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.

There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.

Don't protest outside of a rich man's house in the daytime, you'll just scare the maid, and that's Arnold Schwarzenegger's job.

Director Oliver Stone says he's going to make a movie about Vladimir Putin. I can't believe anyone would want to work with that insane communist. And Putin is a little crazy as well.

Justin Bieber's tour bus was stopped by Canadian border patrol agents. And they found marijuana. The agents said Bieber was a disgrace to Canada and should never come back. Then they found the marijuana.

Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.

Scientists say over the next hundred years, the coast of California will sink almost five feet. So the presidential candidates need to do something. Mitt Romney is conflicted. On one hand, he denies that global warming exists. But if California is under water, he would definitely win the next election.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

I don't know much about the Supreme Court. If it's anything like the Supreme Taco, it's like a regular court, but with extra sour cream.

The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.

Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

The first day of spring is known as the vernal equinox. The equinox is special. It only happens twice a year, like a good night in ratings for NBC.

The Danes are causing a bit of trouble. The kingdom of Denmark claimed the North Pole as their own. Hey, you can't just reach out and take something if you want it, Denmark. That's Russia's job.

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know

From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.

These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

The virus in the movie 'Contagion' is based on the bird flu which came out of nowhere back in 2008. Everyone thought it was going to change the way we live and it just faded away. Wait a minute, I'm talking about President Obama.

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

Tomorrow's just your future yesterday.

They've found a link between chemicals in shampoo and obesity. If you're eating shampoo, your weight is the least of your concerns.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

The rain is giving much needed relief to California's crops. By that I mean 'marijuana.'

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

That's here on CBS, where the 'C' stands for 'Classy' and the 'BS' speaks for itself.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Jeb Bush announced today on the Internet that he may run for president. The next presidential election could be Bush vs. Clinton. It will be like 1992 all over again except I won't be in rehab.

Insiders say Obama's pretty comfortable around actors. He should be. He has been 'acting' like he was born in Hawaii for a long time.

114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

School did give me one of the greatest gifts of my life, though. I learned how to read, and for that I remain thankful. I would have died otherwise. As soon as I was able, I read, alone. Under the covers with a flashlight or in my corner of the attic—I sought solace in books. It was from books that I started to get an inkling of the kinds of assholes I was dealing with. I found allies too, in books, characters my age who were going through or had triumphed against the same bullshit.

Wikipedia celebrates its 12th birthday today. Of course, I have no idea if it's true. I read it on Wikipedia.

I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

Larry King has been married more times than Henry the Eighth. We used to have that rhyme to keep track of them. 'Divorced, beheaded, died. Divorced, beheaded, survived.' With Larry I think it goes, 'Divorced, beheaded, divorced, escaped. Zombie, lesbian, disappeared, inflatable.