The Universe is very, very big. It also loves a paradox. For example, it has some extremely strict rules. Rule number one: Nothing lasts forever. Not you or your family or your house or your planet or the sun. It is an absolute rule. Therefore when someone says that their love will never die, it means that their love is not real, for everything that is real dies. Rule number two: Everything lasts forever.
Craig FergusonYou can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
Craig FergusonThere's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.
Craig FergusonIf you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'
Craig FergusonThe term Big Brother is from George Orwell's book 1984 - where everyone's watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I've never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like Creepy Uncle?
Craig FergusonThere are rumors that there is a John Edwards sex tape. People say it's twenty minutes of Edwards caressing and stroking...And that's just the part where he fixes his hair.
Craig FergusonI found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.
Craig FergusonThe difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.
Craig FergusonI salute Rick Perry for the way he's trying to overcome this. Today he came out and said he's not one of those slick politicians, that this just shows his human side, and some third excuse he can't remember.
Craig FergusonI don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.
Craig FergusonSarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.
Craig FergusonIt was on this day that the Bahamas declared independence. Before that they were a British colony. The British Empire lost Canada and the Bahamas, to name just a couple. Britain's been dumped more times than Taylor Swift. But did they go writing whining songs about it? No.
Craig FergusonI'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.
Craig FergusonI don't know why some people get worked up about gay people marrying. It's not gay people who are ruining the sanctity of marriage, it's celebrities.
Craig FergusonPeople spend thousands of dollars trying to keep their teeth straight. I just hope we can live in a world where we accept gay teeth.
Craig FergusonIt is Veterans Day, when we honor everyone who served in all of the campaigns. We honor them with dignity and respect, and of course mattress sales and tire discounts.
Craig FergusonThere's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like Barks & Recreation and Game of Bones.
Craig FergusonI know that's not the right accent, but I can't do the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.
Craig FergusonThere is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
Craig FergusonSometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony - the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.
Craig FergusonThe 'Star Wars' movie is coming out. Disney has kept the details of the movie under wraps because they're not Sony.
Craig FergusonIt's tricky turning a book into a movie. Sometimes people love the book so much that no adaptation lives up to what they imagined. You can avoid that disappointment by never, ever reading books.
Craig FergusonThe Smurfs 2 is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They're like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.
Craig FergusonA friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.
Craig FergusonHe will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
Craig FergusonThat's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
Craig FergusonPresident Obama said that we rely too much on gadgets. He gave a passionate speech about technology, but he had to stop when the teleprompter broke.
Craig FergusonThese days, young people watch TV on smartphones and computers. Young people with an actual TV set are harder to find than a picture of Anthony Weiner with his clothes on.
Craig FergusonA new survey says one in three adults will be dressing up for Halloween. As for me, I'm not going to do anything. I'm going as Congress.
Craig FergusonLast night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.
Craig FergusonShe still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.
Craig FergusonI don't like my politicians entertaining me and I don't like my entertainers politicianing me.
Craig FergusonOcean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well you, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.
Craig FergusonWe do have a big kind of history in literate tradition of Vikings and we have a lot of Viking blood in Scotland, I mean especially up north wherever you go you see a plastic Viking sitting outside a shop and Viking calendars and - because they - you know they came down and stole all our chicks and then some of them didn't quite get back and ended up settling down here. So there's a lot of Viking blood in Scotland.
Craig Ferguson