I'm working on a speed boat at the moment. Much more exciting. It'll really kick ass, give great photographs for the people in Bible.
Eddie IzzardSo the American government lied to the Native Americans for many, many years, and then President Clinton lied about a relationship, and everyone was surprised! A little naive, I feel!
Eddie IzzardI've wiped the file? .... I've wiped all the files? .... I've wiped the INTERNET? I don't even have a modem!
Eddie IzzardSharks are just evil bastards. I'm quite happy if all the sharks just went, because they eat fish and us. And we need the fish.
Eddie IzzardI think I'm actually a mainstream, popcorn-eating kid. I've always been that, so I'd sit there watching action movies and American moves before I watch other movies quite often because I am that kid. But I've pushed into the more alternative area because that's where it gets really interesting creatively.
Eddie IzzardI'm an action transvestite really, so it's running, jumping, climbing trees putting on make-up when you're up there!
Eddie IzzardMy stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.
Eddie IzzardI try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.
Eddie IzzardI try to keep performing as much as possible - I just like to. I used to take huge gaps off between gigs, now I just like to do stand-up gigs as much as I can.
Eddie IzzardI am encyclopaedic on World War II. My dad took me to D-Day beaches when I was a kid. I was there four years ago - every five years they have a remembrance on D-Day beaches and I would have liked to have been there and done my bit.
Eddie IzzardYou’ve got to believe you can be a standup before you can be a standup. You have to believe you can act before you can act. You have to believe you can be an astronaut before you can be an astronaut. You’ve got to believe.
Eddie IzzardIn stand-up it really helps to play yourself and talk about your own feelings. You cannot fail to be original if you're just talking about what you think about X, Y and Z. Unless you've got a twin brother who's also a stand-up.
Eddie IzzardBut puberty was... well, before puberty, at school, I didn't tell kids I was a transvestite 'cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?
Eddie IzzardYou have the American dream! The dream is to be born in a gutter and grow up, and then get all the money in the world and stick it in your ears and go THBBBBBT.
Eddie IzzardI don't believe in God. I believe gods and devils are within us. It's our own battle. Our life's battle is to appeal to the gods within us, and to fight the devils within us.
Eddie IzzardSo then there was the Greek, Socrates, he was great... He invented questioning. Before Socrates, no questioning. Everyone sort of went, ''Yeah, I suppose so.
Eddie IzzardI felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.
Eddie IzzardWell, if you don't have a flag, then you can't have a country. Those are the rules... that I just made up!
Eddie IzzardIf you're trying to get a bit of attention, you can smash up your hotel room or spend all your time going to openings or doing the gossip column thing. I just decided to do gigs in French, German, Spanish, and in America.
Eddie IzzardI wear whatever I want whenever I want. I don't call it drag; I don't even call it cross-dressing. It's just wearing a dress.
Eddie IzzardBoy bands should be exploded from a great height. They're just pretty people singing music written by others.
Eddie IzzardCharles Darwin wrote a famous book in 18 [gibberish]. And that book was an interesting book, cuz it was called "Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-Monkey-You".
Eddie IzzardScrabble was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia. This is true, they proved this one. The word dyslexia was invented by Nazis to piss off kids with dyslexia.
Eddie IzzardI just play to progressive audiences. You know, if they're watching Discovery Channel, History Channel, that kind of thing, "Monty Python" have already laid the groundwork. They're known around the world. People like that kind of surrealist, left-field humor, and that's what I do. And "Saturday Night Live," a lot of American humor. "The Simpsons," above all, the weird, left-field humor, which I love. And sardonic. So that's all I'm doing. I find that audience, and they're in every developed country around the world.
Eddie IzzardThis is a world that's big enough for everyone. I like that message in that comes out of John Lasseter, and it comes out Pixar, it comes out of the Apple, Google, the Ben and Jerry's thing. These are American companies that send that message around that is good, that is healthy. And everyone goes, "That's the America I always believed in before Watergate."
Eddie IzzardPeople still talk about a British sense of humour, or French slapstick or how the Germans have no sense of humour - and it's just rubbish. I do strongly feel that we are all the bloody same.
Eddie IzzardI definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.
Eddie IzzardYou notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking 'this is a fresh shop, everything in here is FRESH! I will do well to shop here'. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You'd think 'this is a POO shop! Everything in here is themed on POO!
Eddie IzzardEveryone gets cards at the beginning of life. I am transgender, I decided to be honest and tell everyone about it, and that's it.
Eddie IzzardIf you get anything creative going, then the work and play thing is the same thing, I feel.
Eddie IzzardCats have a scam going - you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that's the deal.
Eddie IzzardI am someone who's very positive about business, as a social Democrat. I do like the safety net of the welfare system and people setting things and creating business, and that's what I try to do with my own work: export it around the world from the U.K.
Eddie IzzardSan Francisco! City of dreaming spires, people live here... Golden Gate Bridge, ahh the Romans came here.
Eddie IzzardMakeup's just crazy, anyways. Native Americans used to wear it, and it did all right for them until, uh ... well, until you killed them all, I suppose.
Eddie Izzard