Wilson Mizner Quotes

Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.

All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

God help those who do not help themselves.

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.

A good party is where you enjoy good people, and they taste even better with Champagne.

The day which we fear as our last is but the bday of eternity. - By SenecaThe first hundred years are the hardest.

Count 10 over him - he'll get up

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.

Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor-unassisted.

A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.

Gambling: A sure way to get nothing from something.

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

The first hundred years are the hardest.

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

It is criminal negligence to leave suckers lying around to tempt honest men.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs.

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.

If you count all your assets you always show a profit.

To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

Women can instantly see through each other, and it's surprising how little they observe that's pleasant.

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

There's nothing so comfortable as a small bankroll. A big one is always in danger.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

Easy street is a blind alley.

Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

Failure has gone to his head.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.