George Carlin Quotes

They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I set out to become a comedian, and I said in order to do that the first thing I'll do is become a disc jockey and know my pop music. I like it, my voice is good, and I can start out getting confidence without an audience in front of me.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

People are wonderful. I love individuals. I hate groups of people. I hate a group of people with a 'common purpose'. 'Cause pretty soon they have little hats. And armbands. And fight songs. And a list of people they're going to visit at 3am. So, I dislike and despise groups of people but I love individuals. Every person you look at; you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking.

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone. Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.

What I became a comedian for was to get my art out. To get some of these feelings and things I had on my chest out. I don't care if people believe them, listen to them, change their ways, or think, or any of that kind of crap. I'm interested in showing off. I'm the same kid from sixth grade who stood up and said "watch this."

Cancer research is a growth industry.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

I like to write without being stoned. I like to have a hit or two and then go punch up the writing. I just see different things and hear different things. But it's nice to be working from the base that I wrote originally and then come to it with a little buzz. I can have a little wine from time to time. I have a hit from time to time, but those are the only things I do.

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.

Life is tough, then you die.

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

A pear is a failed apple.

By the age of six or seven, I was already doing voices and faces, making my friends and my mother laugh.

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.

But when you're in front of an audience and you make them laugh at a new idea, you're guiding the whole being for the moment. No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open, completely themselves when that message hits the brain and the laugh begins. That's when new ideas can be implanted. If a new idea slips in at that moment, it has a chance to grow.

I also survived circumcision, a barbaric practice designed to remind you as early as possible that your genitals are not your own.

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.

People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing.

The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Suddenly, I was thirty, very unhappy entertaining people in their forties, and here came a group of people in their teens and twenties who had similar anti-authority problems and similar dreams and wishes, hopes for mankind. So I gravitated toward them.

When I listen to those tapes now, the real cocaine shows; there's just nothing special about their content.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I am not a difficult man by any stretch, and I'm saying that with a full and honest inventory going on. I'm not. And I'm not angry on stage. There is a heightening. There is an intensification of the feelings on stage in order to let them carry the room. There is a theatricality about it. The whole thing is oratory, so there's persuasion involved. There's the art of rhetoric involved. And so, with hyperbole and with the desire to really punch the thing home, some of it reads a little more angry.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.