George Carlin Quotes

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.

We now buy watches primarily for their looks, price, or additional functions. The fact that they tell time seems lost.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

Someone once said, if you scratch a cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist. That really rang a bell with me - because I recognized that, within me, there is this flame, of wishing it were better, wishing people had better lives, that there was more of an authentic sharing and harmony with nature.

Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

Always do whatever's next.

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.

The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.

I believe you can joke about anything.

Heroin, forget it. In my neighborhood, I could see what heroin did firsthand and I was definitely afraid of that number.

I went to my old school, where all the kids I'd been with for eight years were about to graduate. But the sisters wanted me to repeat the whole term; so I went to the principal and pleaded with her to allow me to graduate with my class. She finally agreed on the condition that I write the graduation play. It was called How Do You Spend Your Leisure Time?Catchy title, huh?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.

When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are.

Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

Mother's milk leads to everything.

Somewhere in the world is a doctor who is worse than all other doctors...and someone has an appointment with him in the morning.

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.' The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

I like good ideas. I don't want just do something for it's own sake to bother people, but if I can bother them with a logical argument about something they have agreed to in society simplistically - like children are sacred, the cult of the child, this cult of professional parenthood, and of course religion, and respect for policemen and the law, and all of these untouchable areas. I like attacking those beliefs, but in with good sound thinking, and an unusual approach.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

I think you can talk about anything if the context is correctly arranged. If you set up the context and you bring the audience along carefully enough with you, you can get them to cross the line with you. What I try to do is talk about things that bother me, and I hope that in doing so I bother other people.

Everything that you know about yourself comes from thinking back, and I think I saw religion as the first big betrayal of me.

If a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough.

Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? Not a word. You never hear them say "Jesus made me drop the ball." "The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." According to these guys Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. Must be another one of those "miracles."

When I hear a person talking about political solutions, I know I am not listening to a serious person.