Jimmy Carr Quotes

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was 'Shout For Help'.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

How many airports are there in the world?

I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.

I was in the South of France. I saw a Brownie on a school trip. She was holding up a book. It said on the front 'rough guide'. I thought: 'Yeah' she's not a looker.

The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.

I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of aids.

No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.

I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

Viagra has instructions: 'Keep away from children' - what kind of man do you think I am?

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

I pay what I have to and not a penny more.

I think the idea that death is not the end, that your dog's just gone to live on the farm, is limiting. Thoughts like that prevent you from making the most of the time that you have.

If I'm at home for the weekend - and that is almost never - I tend to get twitchy at about eight o'clock in the evening because my body clock is timed to go on stage. I don't know what to do with myself.

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.

As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?

Jesus loves you... He's not 'in love' with you.

I like to write a joke without any fat on it.The shorter the better. I cater for people with ADD, basically.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Boxers don't have sex before a fight. Do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.

I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"

I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'

Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with 'I can't talk now, I'm going into a tunnel'.

The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.

Yes, I have this crazy honk of a laugh.

The first few weeks of joining Weight Watchers, you're just finding your feet.

I do realise that when I laugh, it sounds like a seal is being molested.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."