Lenny Bruce Quotes

I want to perform an unnatural act.

If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish

Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.

The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.

If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.

You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.

You are a white. The Imperial Wizard. Now, if you don't think this is logic you can burn me on the fiery cross. This is the logic: You have the choice of spending fifteen years married to a woman, a black woman or a white woman. Fifteen years kissing and hugging and sleeping real close on hot nights. With a black, black woman or a white, white woman. The white woman is Kate Smith. And the black woman is Lena Horne. So you're not concerned with black or white anymore, are you? You are concerned with how cute or how pretty. Then let's really get basic and persecute ugly people!

Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.

I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.

TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.

You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.

To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.

If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.

Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.

I wanted out of the navy so bad in '45, I faked homo to get a discharge. It didn't matter that the Germans surrendered, I knew we were heading to Japan and I was done with that scene.

Never tell. Not if you love your wife...In fact, if your old lady walks in on you deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck 'Lay On Top Of Me Or I'll Die.' " I didn't know what I was goin' to do.

Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.

The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.

Satire is tragedy plus time.

Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.

Sex and obscenity are not synonymous.

I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.

The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.

There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.

If you're from New York and you're Catholic, you're still Jewish. If you're from Butte Montana and you're Jewish, you're still goyisch. The Air Force is Jewish, the Marine Corps dangerous goyisch. Rye Bread is Jewish, instant potatoes, scary goyisch. Eddie Cantor is goyisch, George Jessel is goyisch-Coleman Hawkins is Jewish.

I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.

All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.

I tried the religion scam in Miami, so I know how hard that gig is. But, if you can get it to work, starting your own religion is a license to print money.

If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.

A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.

When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.

Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.

I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.

If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.

Darwin's theory is as dead as he is. Everyone is surviving, fit or not. Years ago, any kid dumb enough to chase a shiny object down a well was dead, and out of the gene pool. Now they got the technology and medicine to save the fool so he can breed more open mouth breathers.

What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.

My only challenge was to tell my truth, man... figure out what I had to say. These days, it's not enough to boost that roomful of strangers. The young comic spends all their time trying to sound different from the million other jokesters grabbing for the mic.

Communism is just one big telephone company.

If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!

Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?

If I just stuck to pot I might have found out what a drag being an aging hipster actually was.

There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.

What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

There's always a down side with any freedom. It's not just homosexual freedom, but any sexual freedom comes at a price, and that is usually art.

In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.

Freedom of speech is a two way street, man. You have the right to say whatever you want and the Boss has a right to tell the police to arrest you.

The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.