Woody Allen Quotes

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

I'm awash in self-contempt!

Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon - you've never been kissed.

Is world peace possible or is the human race too innately aggressive? For instance: Have you ever seen women at a sample sale?

My mother never had time for me. When you're the middle child in a family of five million, you don't get any attention.

A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name

The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

I can't imagine any director directing a screenplay of mine, because the great directors all have very personal styles, and the ones that don't are not very interesting directors.

I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward or it dies.

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

Culturally speaking, I was raised in a Jewish household. In addition to the religious side of it, I was taught respect for books and learning and the higher professions like medicine and law and teaching.

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

This stuff tastes awful; I could have made a fortune selling it in my health-food store.

The only thing that does change, to some degree, is [that] you have some life experiences, you suffer a certain amount and you incorporate that into your work. Not in the content of your work, but in the sensibility of your work. It's nothing that you try and do; it just happens. And if you're lucky, people buy tickets to see it, and if you're not lucky, [then] they don't like it. But that's all.

I have great faith in the actors. When they improvise, it always sounds better than the stuff I write in my bedroom. When they improvise, they make it sound alive.

What is it about death that bothers me? Probably the hours.

The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.

My mind can never know my body, although it has become quite friendly with my legs.

Dear Mom and Dad, Leave $50,000 in a bag under the bridge on Decatur Street. If there is no bridge on Decatur Street, please build one.

I do believe that reality is dreadful and that you are forced to choose it in the end or go crazy, but that it kills you.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

Whosoever loveth wisdom is righteous, but he that keepeth company with fowl is weird.

I am an only child. I have one sister.

When I started out, I was a television writer, and we wrote a television show that was on live every week. And you didn't have the luxury of coming in and waiting to be inspired. You came in and you had to write. And you wrote, because it was going to be live on the air. So I can do that.

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

That (sex) was the most fun I ever had without laughing.

Figures tell us there are already more people on earth than we need to move even the heaviest piano.

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect, but I still love him.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Where I grew up in Brooklyn, nobody committed suicide. Everyone was too unhappy.

When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal.

I am told the settlement of $5 million I am being paid is the largest amount ever paid under the New York right to privacy law

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

My father worked for the same firm for 12 years. They fired him and replaced him with a tiny gadget that does everything my father does, only much better. The depressing thing is my mother ran out and bought one

End production today. Wrap party as usual a little sad. Slow danced with Scarlett. Broke her toe. Not my fault. When she dipped me back, I stepped on it. Penélope [Cruz] and Javier [Bardem] anxious to work with me again. Said if I ever come up with another screenplay to try and find them. Goodbye drink with Rebecca [Hall]. Sentimental moment. Everyone in cast and crew chipped in and bought me a ballpoint pen.

I never start editing a film until it's completely shot; I don't edit along the way, ever. When it's finished I come in here [screening room] and we start with reel one, scene one and start editing shot by shot by shot until we're finished.

Magic has always been of a great interest of mine. I was an amateur magician when I was young. I used to practice and read up on it a lot. I'm well-aware of the history of magic.

When I was young, I wanted to be a dramatic writer, a writer of tragedy. Nothing would've pleased me more than if I could have written like Eugene O'Neil or Tennessee Williams.

They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.