Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
Ambrose BierceA system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.
Ambrose BierceOne engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar.
Ambrose BierceTurkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
Ambrose BierceLove, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease, like caries and many other ailments, is prevalent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient.
Ambrose BierceCOMMENDATION n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that resembles but do not equal our own.
Ambrose BierceMONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable . . . Commonly Saxon - that is to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions.
Ambrose BiercePRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that - stone walls do not a prison make.
Ambrose BierceFork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead animals into the mouth.
Ambrose BiercePICKANINNY, n. The young of the "Procyanthropos", or "Americanus dominans". It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.
Ambrose BierceURBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with disregard of the rights of others.
Ambrose BierceI never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
Ambrose BierceClairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
Ambrose BierceMONSIGNOR- A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of our religion overlooked the advantages.
Ambrose BierceMONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.
Ambrose BierceIdiot - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
Ambrose BierceMolecule, n.: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion.
Ambrose BierceHere's to woman! Would that we could fold into her arms without falling into her hands.
Ambrose BierceOne who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.
Ambrose BierceThere would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful.
Ambrose BiercePresent, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
Ambrose BierceDoubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial; but if honest, and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead to full establishment of the truth.
Ambrose BierceHOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.
Ambrose BierceAUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.
Ambrose BierceInventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
Ambrose BierceNOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief product and authenticating sign of civilization.
Ambrose BierceA man is the sum of his ancestors; to reform him you must begin with a dead ape and work downward through a million graves.
Ambrose BierceA miracle is an act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.
Ambrose BierceTZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect ("Glossina morsitans") whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American novelist ("Mendax interminabilis").
Ambrose BiercePolitics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
Ambrose Bierce