George Carlin Quotes

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

I think TV remotes should have a button that allows you to kill the person on the screen.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

My mother and her plans for my future. She had it all worked out. I would attend a nice college, then get a job in advertising. "You'll be one of those smart-looking fellows in their Madison Avenue suits." And I rebelled against [my mother] and her values and her plans for my future at every opportunity.

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board'. Well, what the hell is 'pre board'? What does that mean? To get on before you get on?

Keep in mind, the news media are not independent; they are a sort of bulletin board and public relations firm for the ruling class-the people who run things. Those who decide what news you will or will not hear are paid by, and tolerated purely at the whim of, those who hold economic power. If the parent corporation doesn't want you to know something, it won't be on the news. Period. Or, at the very least, it will be slanted to suit them, and then rarely followed up.

What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.

I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.

Religion is just mind control.

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.

Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

You know why we're good at it? Because we get a lot of practice. This country is only 200 years old, and already we've had ten major wars. We average a major war every twenty years. So we're good at it!

We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

Is there another word for synonym?

The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers.. but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. Because you have the illusion of choice!

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who cannot.

There is a core of loneliness. It's partly existential. Secondly, I was raised a loner. My parents were not there. My father was asked to leave because he couldn't metabolize ethanol. Actually, my mother ran away with us when I was 2 months old and my brother was 5. Real dramatic stuff: down the fire escape, through backyards. So, I sort of raised myself. I was alone a lot and I invented myself - I lived through the radio and through my imagination.

Brenda [Carlin] went into therapy and I soon joined her. First we put the drugs behind us, then we began serious work on our relationship. And, in time, we got well together.She just drove through a hotel lobby. Now, that's bottoming out.

I make fun of people who are religious, because they're fundamentally weak.

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.

Did you ever stop to thnk about all the people we kill? They're always people who tell us to live together in harmony and try to love one another: Jesus, Ghandi, Lincoln, John Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Medgar Evers, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, John Lennon. They all said: 'Try to live together peacefully.' BAM! Right in the f--in head! Aparently we're not ready for that!

People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.

I literally didn't know my father. My mother had been a secretary, and after she and my father split, she went back to work for an advertising executive. So my older brother and I were "latch-door kids." We went home for lunch and after school by ourselves.