I'll tell you one of the great activities is skateboarding. To learn to do a skateboard trick, how many times do you gotta get something wrong til you get it right? ...And you hurt yourself, and you learn to do that trick, now you got a life lesson. Every time I see those skateboard kids, I think 'those kids'll be alright.'
Jerry SeinfeldThere is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.'
Jerry SeinfeldIsn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
Jerry SeinfeldPain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.
Jerry SeinfeldWe know the product is going to stink. We know that because we live in the world, and we know that everything stinks. We all believe, Hey, maybe this one wont stink. We are a hopeful species. Stupid but hopeful. But were happy in that moment between the commercial and the purchase. And I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.
Jerry SeinfeldIf aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
Jerry SeinfeldLife is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it.... I think that the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.
Jerry SeinfeldSo the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid your brain can't even process the information. You're like: "What is this? What did you say?" "What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy?" "Everyone that we know is just giving out candy!"
Jerry SeinfeldThere are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.
Jerry SeinfeldWhat's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?
Jerry SeinfeldI think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!
Jerry SeinfeldYou don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.
Jerry SeinfeldIt's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.
Jerry SeinfeldCremation has become the most popular form of burial in the United States... People used to want a big, thick granite stone, their names carved into with a chisel. I was here dammit! Cremation is like you're trying to cover up a crime. Burn the body. Scatter the ashes around. As far as anyone's concerned this whole thing never happened.
Jerry SeinfeldNo encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.
Jerry SeinfeldThe toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"
Jerry SeinfeldThere is no such thing as an attention span. There is only the quality of what you are viewing. This whole idea of an attention span is, I think, a misnomer. People have an infinite attention span if you are entertaining them.
Jerry SeinfeldWhat is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?
Jerry SeinfeldI'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.
Jerry SeinfeldFear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.
Jerry SeinfeldI like to try anything... You have to do the experiments to find out what the formulas are.
Jerry SeinfeldEverybody in New York City knows there's way more cars than parking spaces. You see cars driving in New York all hours of the night. Its like musical chairs except everybody sat down around 1964.
Jerry SeinfeldPeople should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"
Jerry SeinfeldA bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
Jerry SeinfeldOur good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have
Jerry SeinfeldSex, that’s meaningless, I can understand that, but dinner; that’s heavy. That’s like an hour.
Jerry SeinfeldNow they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Jerry Seinfeld