Louis C. K. Quotes

I do actually use a boxing trainer when I train for stand-up.

I'm not sure why I'm so often disgusting on stage. I don't always know where it comes from.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Misery is wasted on the miserable.

I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.

If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.

The only pitch I have to movie people is the same as this one: Just give me $8 million. I'm not telling you what it's about and I'm not telling you who's in it.

I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

My 13-year-old daughter leaves the house at 7:15 every morning and takes a smelly city bus to school way uptown. It's like 8 degrees out, and it's dark and she's got this morning face and I send her out there to take a bus. Meanwhile, my driver is sitting in a toasty Mercedes that's going to take me to work once both kids are gone. I could send her in the Mercedes and then have it come back to get me, but I can't have my kid doing that. I can't do that to her. Me? I earned that f—ing Mercedes. You better f—ing believe it.

My uncles were all funny. My dad wasn't funny, but my uncles were all funny. Now I go back and I like him better than them, they were manipulative funny.

Television for a child creates such a high bar of stimulus that nothing else competes. A beautiful day is absolute crap to a kid who watches tv.

To me the goal of comedy is to just laugh, which is a really high hearted thing, visceral connection and reaction.

When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he's not sure he wants to be a father.

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

I have Twitter so I can tell people what I want them to buy and they give me money.

I've met a lot of people who've lost their jobs and they still have a sense of humor.

There's nothing that beats proving you're funny by making a funny thing, and right now there are huge outlets for that, with You Tube and all the other stuff online.

One time I was at a swimming pool with my kids, a public pool. I had my daughter, my six year old, on my arm like this. She was like clamped on, and she's kicking. ... And then she got off and another random child just clamped on. It's like a rat. "Get off of me." "But I love you." "I don't know you, kid."

Everything's amazing right now, and nobody's happy.

I can't just sit on my daughter's bed and just say 'n---' all night and then put her to sleep. I just ain't gonna do that... I told the girls that these boys are racists, and they're not nice boys. But I think we can still enjoy the stories about the fishin' and the tradin'.

You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented.

I was talking to my friend and he said his girlfriend was mad at him. I said, "What happened?" He goes: "Well, I guess I, uh... I guess I said something, and, uh... and then she got her feelings hurt." That's a weird way to phrase it: "She got her feelings hurt. I said something, and then she..." Could you more remove yourself from responsibility? "She got her feelings hurt." It's like saying, "Yeah, I shot this guy in the face, and then I guess he got himself murdered. I don't know what happened. He leaned into it."

My bank is the worst. They are screwing me. You know what they did to me? They're charging me money for not having enough money. Apparently, when you're broke, that costs money.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

Rob McElhenney who runs 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.' That show absolutely kills me and I am stunned by the consistency of greatness it has maintained over what is now a record breaking amount of seasons ... How do you do that for so many years? My 14-year-old daughter and I watch it together and we both laugh crazy hard.

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

If you do something and people think you're stupid, just go for crazy. You get more respect that way because nobody likes stupid people.

Working in TV and navigating success is a tricky thing. It's easier to navigate the hard work of starting out because you just do anything they let you do, but once you get into an orbit, after the thrusters have pushed you into the orbit, now you have to navigate that orbit. There's no choices when you're starting out. You're just like, "Please, let me do anything." But then it turns around and it's like, "We'll let you do anything".

You're a tourist in sexual perversion. I'm a prisoner there.

When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

The last jobs I had were fixing cars and covering football games for a local access tv station. As in driving the mobile van to the field, setting up 3 cameras, teaching depressed grownups and interns how to use them and directing the game from the van and then wanting to kill myself.

God is like a shitty girlfriend.

Bill has three goldfish. He buys two more. How many dogs live in London?

I love being married. It's great. But I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, "What's wrong with you?" And I'm like, "I know! Damn it! Argh!"

America's a family. We all yell at each other. It all works out.

Whenever I've encountered a Christian saying, 'Why don't you stop talking like that so I can hear you?' I think, 'Well you're the one putting the earmuffs on, but I wish you could hear me because I like you.'

I do feel a lot of times like I'm out of my league with my kids in terms of what my responsibility is.

I grew up in a generation that had exponential technological advances.

I just don't trust any of it. Every time I read something about how there's been another ridiculous climb of the Dow Jones, there's a part of me that goes, “This can't be good.” None of this is real money. You know what I mean? It's not like there's actually more of anything. It's just ideas. When people are getting richer and richer but they're not actually producing anything, it can't end well.

I'm not raising the children, I'm raising the grown ups that they're going to be.

People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.

It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.

Pushing the envelope' sort of implies that you're inside the envelope with everyone else, and you're trying to find the edges on the outsides.

Black people have slavery. And white people have our own thing-stuff we went though that hurt us that we have to cope with. Like when they took our slaves away. That was really hard for us. So it's pretty even.

When I see two guys kissing, I'm like, how come I can't kiss one of those guys? They look like they're having a good time.

The ability to just sit there. That's being a person.

Look at all the minorities around here! I'm the only majority.