Norm MacDonald Quotes

I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.

In love, we are best pleased when we please others.

It is better to be idle than employed in ill.

I don't really like politics that much. And I like the order and simplicity of sports. They have an ending. You can argue with your friends about it, but in the end you still like sports. I almost love the fantasy world of sports more than the real world.

You're used to a TV show, and TV is just made for TV shows. It's not made for live events.So anyways, I was resistant to it, but I did it anyway.

None seem to bear the imputation of supposed guilt with greater intolerance than such as are, on other occasions, obviously culpable of vice or crime.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

I love writing - it's the best. But I really hate collaboration.

Few criminals die sensible of their crimes.

I guess [Richard] Pryor was that good. I never saw him in a theater, but I imagine he was that good, because he was such a phenomenal actor.

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.

A lot of people think I'm difficult to work with. It's not like I really want to do that much stuff, so it doesn't really matter. I guess I'm somewhat difficult when it comes to comedy.

Generally I don't like traveling around saying the exact same thing. I don't think that's a very good thing to do with your life.

If you cannot patiently bear correction, endeavor to avoid fault.

I've always been very averse to innuendo, especially sexual. I find it cowardly or something.

It got very tedious saying the same jokes in the same way with the same attitude.

There's that saying, "I don't know art, but I know what I like." The inverse is kind of true. I know art, but I don't know what I like. You get so immersed in it that nothing appeals to you.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

Ignorance is better than knowledge misapplied.

Louis [C.K.] is great. But I don't know how many you could do.

You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.

[Televised stand-up] never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film.

I don't know anything about politics. Like, zero. Nothing.

Kenny G has a Christmas album out this year. Hey, happy birthday Jesus! Hope you like crap!

We often suffer more from our fears, than from the dangers of our situation.

Some people are so much afraid of being deceived, that they never venture to trust; like misers, their avarice destroys their gain.

I'm happy doing stand-up, but I'll probably do a television show eventually. If not, I'll delve into this Internet world and decide best how to harness it. What I like best about it is the independent movie style and the ability to just be completely reckless within that world. I like that a lot. I just have to acquaint myself with technology.

Proper respect to others is the most prudent rule of directing the measure of reverence due to ourselves.

The most frequent cause of regret for what we have done is because its effects interfere with what we would do.

I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.

I have always loved Las Vegas. It's a traditional place for lounge comics to perform, and I love that.

It is vain to complain of fortune while we fail in policy and conduct.

[sam] Kinison, when he started out, he'd come to Canada when I was first starting, and he'd always [bomb].

We are often less grieved at disappointments than at ourselves for having said much concerning the certainty of our expectations.

A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.

Few are more unhappy than those who have great ambition, but little energy to urge it into activity.

We are happy at the respect others pay our favorites, because we consider it a lively confirmation of our own choice, and as so much homage reflected on ourselves.

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!

Chastity is oftener owing to diffidence and shame, than to fortitude of reason or virtue.

The beginning of wisdom is the knowledge of folly.