Norm MacDonald Quotes

I've just seen really, really funny guys, and if I didn't know them, I wouldn't know they were funny from the television. I don't know what it does, it just sucks it away.

RIP Amy Winehouse. We lost a true heroin addict today.

The reason we have few friends in adversity, is, because we have no true ones in prosperity.

There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.

I've shown people Richard Pryor who've never seen him, and most of them don't like him.

The only two TV shows I saw do that, where they don't warm them up and you can really bomb, was Saturday Night Live - and that's why it gets a lot of heat, too. Obviously it gets criticism fairly, too. But a lot of it is because Lorne [Michaels] lets the audience decide and doesn't force them to laugh.

When I was a kid, everybody that played golf was an old man. Until Tiger showed up, they weren't in very good shape.

Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.

There hasn't been an original voice in stand-up since Sam Kinison.

In math, you could get 100 percent. It was very fair. That's what I liked about math. You could figure it out, and the teacher couldn't have a stupid opinion about it.

I'm not original, but I strive toward it as much as possible. I tried really hard on Weekend Update to do something that I considered original, which was, I tried to cut all cleverness out of the joke.

A capacity for hating the object of desire is, perhaps, the best cure for love in cases of disappointment.

Richard Pryor is my favorite stand-up ever.

On Update, the only real original thing was trying to take away the cleverness of the punchline and make it as blunt as possible.

They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?

With the ambitious, the failure of one expedient is the suggestion of another; but with the irresolute, defeat usually occasions abandonment of purpose.

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.

A proper disposition of time leaves a man at leisure in the very bustle of affairs; without delaying the attention of his concerns to the last or giving them unnecessary application at first: it affords a season for everything by affording everything its proper season.

I don't know anything about politics. I wouldn't put too much into my prediction on politics.

I'm no good at anything but comedy, which I think I'm good at. I'm absolutely no good at networking; I'm terrible at acting; I'm terrible at dealing with executives; I'm terrible at collaborating. And I say whatever I want to say. But I think I'm good enough at comedy that I can survive. And I don't really have an ambition for money.

The joy a person is usually seen to express at the conversion of another to his opinion is seldom more than the impulse of egotistical satisfaction at being considered worthy of didactic imitation.

Laws, however divine in origin and institution, would be found of little coercion among men, were the administration of them not committed to mortals.

A great cause of evil in the world is that men seldom think themselves criminal if they offer the same injustice to others that has been successfully practiced on themselves.

I can't be naturalistic enough to make it sound real. So instead, I just wander around aimlessly knowing that I'll be funny enough with stream of consciousness until I get to the actual explosively funny part.

After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.

Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.

I like doing a funny show where I don't have to act and fall in love with a girl.

There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.

There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

I just like doing standup, that's all I'm interested in or good at.

I never had any interest in sitcoms or motion pictures or anything like that.

As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.

Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!

If you're looking for the suspect in a suicide bombing, here's a clue: Look for the dead guy.

Though we may not desire to detect fraud, we must not, on that account, endeavor to be insensible of it, for, as cunning is a crime, so is duplicity a fault, and if men dread knaves, they also despise fools.

I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.

I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.

If you're watching a comedian on television and he's making a political point, I would say he's gotten too serious.

Few people love with the violence they hate.

In giving advice, aptitude is often less to be considered, than seasonableness.

The praise we seek for our own virtues sometimes tempts us to flatter the imperfections of other men.

There are two things which a man should scrupulously avoid: giving advice that he would not follow, and asking advice when he is determined to pursue his own opinion.

Jealousy seldom punishes with the severity it suffers.

It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.

This would have been a great game to watch if we didn't have any money on it.