Ninety isn't old. You're old when your doctor doesn't X-ray you any more - he just holds you up to the light!
Red ButtonsPope John Paul II's press secretary, who said, See, if only the Pope were Italian, he woulda shot back! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsVenus de Milo's mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can't you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsSleeping Beauty, who said to Prince Charming, Are you sure all we did was kiss? Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsSteven Spielberg's mother, who said to E.T., I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsThe captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, Who sent for all this ice? Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsNoah's wife, who said to him after 40 days and 40 nights, It's your turn to spread the papers on the floor! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsVincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear. Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsWhere else but in America can a poor black man like Michael Jackson grow up to be a rich white woman?
Red ButtonsJ. Paul Getty, who still hasn't been buried - they keep finding oil! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsSure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
Red ButtonsNoah's wife, who said to Noah, Don't let the elephants watch the rabbits. Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsLot, who said to his wife as she was being turned into a pillar of salt, Stop shaking! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsClint Eastwood's sex therapist, who said to Clint, Do it any which way you can, but no sudden impact. Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsGoliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsStan Musial, who said, Why didn't they make me the first Polish pope? I was such a good Cardinal. Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsWhen people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.
Red ButtonsEve said to the serpent, “You know I could go for a bite to eat, but I don't know you from Adam.”
Red ButtonsKing Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, Who doesn't have a headache tonight? Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsMoses, who said to the children of Israel, Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before. Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsMoses, who said when the Red Sea parted, What the hell was that? I was just going in for a dip! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsSydney Poitier, who said to Lester Maddox, Guess who's not coming to dinner? Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsPonce de Leon, who said when he discovered the Fountain of Youth, Where the hell are the paper cups? Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsAlex Hailey, who traced his roots all the way to the back of the bus. Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsCaptain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, For God sakes, don't scratch it! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsLong John Silver's wife, Short, who said to John, If the shoe fits... Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsDean Martin's great-great-uncle, Ebenezer Martin, who said to Eli Whitney, I see the cotton, but where's the gin? Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsGeorge Washington, who said to his father, Dad, if I never tell I lie, how am I ever gonna become President? Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsThe Invisible Man, who said to his wife, I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsKing Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea. Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsDonald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!
Red ButtonsAladdin, who said to his wife, I know it's not a lamp, keep rubbing! Never got a dinner!
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