Sarah Silverman Quotes

I like trying jokes and seeing the response, and if I end up doing it in my act, it won't be 140 characters. Twitter is helpful that way to me. It's like a message in a bottle. But a lot of times I think I tweet the stuff I would like to say to teenage me.

I do love the idea of ritual.

Mommy is one of the chosen people … and daddy believes that Jesus is magic!

When you’re a bed wetter there’s only one group of people you can feel better than, bed shitters, and unfortunately they’re hard to come by.

I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.

The first time I did stand-up was the summer I was 17.

I was paralyzed with fear. It was unbearable to be among other kids who were just standing around being fine. It was one of the many inconveniences of this paradox I lived with -the more people I was surrounded by, the more frighteningly alone I felt.

The worst thing that can happen for people who don't want women to be strong is that we help each other and become a force.

I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

I don't want to be a facilitator for other funny people. It doesn't seem smart for me to be in a comedy and not be funny. My spirit can't take it.

I talk to friends who get their feelings hurt when they read Twitter mentions. I have an amazing solution - don't read Twitter mentions.

I tend to be more arrogant on stage. Far more ignorant. I sometimes say what I think and sometimes say the opposite of what I think and the lines get blurred, but I can only hope that some kind of absolute power transcends.

I still have highs and lows, maybe I don't cry salty tears as much.

One of the greatest things my therapist said to me ... and it really blew my mind in the greatest way, he just said, "Look in the mirror less."

When I was 17, I read a profile of Carol Leifer. Since then, I wanted to be her. I still want to be her.

When I came out to L. A., I got a part in an episode of 'Star Trek: Voyager,' and I hired an acting coach.

It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it.

People are always introducing me as Sarah Silverman, Jewish comedienne. I hate that! I wish people would see me for who I really am — I'm white!

Take lots of time for yourself, discovering yourself-pursue not only a profession but other life passions, I always make time to rock climb or hike or write a few short stories. Also, find good people and surround yourself with them. Most importantly, always believe you will, unequivocally.

Comedy can't live within my second-guesses, so I started doing new material. Sometimes I bombed. But you have to be willing to if you want to move forward and stay vital. It's like people who take pride in not having a computer. I'm all, "Great, don't learn new things! Your brain is full!"

The reason the rest of us remember, like, when John Lennon died, is because it's a moment when adrenaline is surging.

What makes Disney movies and Pixar movies always so good, hey take time and they're constantly honing, and tweaking, and rejiggering things, and taking influences from every cog, including myself, that can help. Any place where there can be inspiration. They make every moment very layered and very rich.

If you take a shower with your boyfriend, I guarantee by the time you step out of that shower, your breasts will be sparkling clean.

I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.

Since so many people these days don't seem to start their families until around age forty, I predict there will be less child beating, but more slipped disks from lifting babies out of cribs. Even the father of advanced age who's not inclined to spare the rod is likely to suffer more than his victim: The first punch he throws might well be the last straw for his rotator cuff, reducing his disciplinary options to mere verbal abuse and napping.

I'm so much more famous than I am financially successful. I mean, I live in a three-room apartment. I mostly make free videos on my couch. But I am fine.

Letting your freak flag fly is something, no matter who you are, that takes great bravery, straight up.

I'd rather have a girl exposed to me than 25 women in prom dresses vying for a stranger.

You have to take the chance to bomb and disappoint audiences.

Well, I'm not afraid to say something if I think it's funny, even if it's harsh or racist.

I just don't let that mentality be a part of my world.

I'm lucky a couple of filmmakers have seen beyond what you're saying.

The audience works as such a mob. They either all laugh or all don't laugh, and, you know, changes from audience to audience.

People who follow their religion to the letter of the law are just silly. I mean, I want to tell Hasidic Jews I promise you, God will not mind if you wear a nice cotton blend in the summer.

I became known for surprising audiences. Except now, if I surprise them every time, they expect that.

You can be Hitler and go to confession and say forgive me, Father, I killed six million Jews, and the priest would just be like no problem. Say 10 Heil Marys. And Hitler goes to heaven.

I grew up in a house where there were no taboos, so it came originally from a pretty innocent place, where I was shocked at the things that shocked people.

When I was 9 or 10 years old, my dad took me over to a neighboring farm to help get stuff for the meal. The farmer, Vic, told me to look at all the turkeys and pick one out. I saw a cute one with a silly walk and cried, 'Him!' Before my pointing finger had even dropped to my side, Vic had grabbed the turkey by the neck and slit [the animal's] throat. Blood and feathers went flying. I had sentenced that turkey to death! Up until then, I didn't know where meat came from—and I've been a vegetarian ever since.

Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it.

You know, I think whatever a comic talks about onstage is all they talk about offstage.

It's just hard to say, "Well, I do this, which means this." If I'm telling you exactly who I am, then there's nothing for the audience to say.

It's funny how people will think I'm being sarcastic a lot and joking. So I'll say, "I like your dress," and they'll go "(bleep) you!" Or I say something serious and they go, "Oh, yeah, ha-ha." They're strangers. They're people who know me from comedy, but luckily I am on pretty much all the time!

By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.